Reader Bitch-Time: Sushi for One
Another Reader Participation Question (there might be a point to this someday, so make an effort, dammit!)- leave your bitchy responses in the comments, please. We got a real kick out of the last one and what you guys did with it, so let it rip!
3 b’s:
I met my husband when we were both young and just trying to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives career-wise. He had finished college already, but I, being four years younger, had not. He found a job working in the activist world, and I finished college. During this time, we lived together in a town where he found his dream job. Even though he worked a lot of hours early on in this job (around 70), I was going to school, so while we fought about the hours during particularly bad times, I was also busy and occupied much of the time. It took me a long time to get comfortable, meet friends to occupy and bring more fun into my life, and finally, after five years I found myself basically happy. I graduated school and we married two years ago. After I graduated, I finally found a good and fulfilling job myself.
Six months later he asked me, then begged me, demanded and finally wore me down about accepting a job transfer which meant moving, forgoing a great house we had put an offer on, as well as leaving my great job. I fought the move, but finally gave in because after two months of fighting about it I was miserable. I did ask, however, that if we move he not jump full force into his job and to please be there to help me get used to this adjustment.
So here I find myself, alone more than with him and with a husband who works 70 hours a week. He is now traveling a lot, and I am alone, in a new city, without a job that I love, without friends to distract and fill my life with companionship.
We fight all the time, he works late a lot, is gone most time time, and takes phone calls in the middle of our ‘date night.’ He tends to apologize a ton, but I am finding myself thinking that this relationship is headed toward divorce.
I love him, but don't think that sushi for one most nights make a marriage.
Advice?
3 b’s:
I met my husband when we were both young and just trying to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives career-wise. He had finished college already, but I, being four years younger, had not. He found a job working in the activist world, and I finished college. During this time, we lived together in a town where he found his dream job. Even though he worked a lot of hours early on in this job (around 70), I was going to school, so while we fought about the hours during particularly bad times, I was also busy and occupied much of the time. It took me a long time to get comfortable, meet friends to occupy and bring more fun into my life, and finally, after five years I found myself basically happy. I graduated school and we married two years ago. After I graduated, I finally found a good and fulfilling job myself.
Six months later he asked me, then begged me, demanded and finally wore me down about accepting a job transfer which meant moving, forgoing a great house we had put an offer on, as well as leaving my great job. I fought the move, but finally gave in because after two months of fighting about it I was miserable. I did ask, however, that if we move he not jump full force into his job and to please be there to help me get used to this adjustment.
So here I find myself, alone more than with him and with a husband who works 70 hours a week. He is now traveling a lot, and I am alone, in a new city, without a job that I love, without friends to distract and fill my life with companionship.
We fight all the time, he works late a lot, is gone most time time, and takes phone calls in the middle of our ‘date night.’ He tends to apologize a ton, but I am finding myself thinking that this relationship is headed toward divorce.
I love him, but don't think that sushi for one most nights make a marriage.
Advice?
Dear Mrs. Misleading,
So, everything was acceptable until YOU didn't have anything to do? Go ahead, you can tell us, you rode the short bus didn't you?
You spent years with this man, (married and not married)knew of his passion for his work, accepted it, and now, it's not alright because you can't find ____ ? (choose from the following words: a job, a school to go to, a group to join,a hobby, yourself) Check your soul in the mirror honey, there's more going on here than just your husband working a boatload of hours.
Now, I'll give you the cell phone. Nothing annoys me more than Himself's phone going off in the middle of _____. (insert inopportune moment here) I did manage to break him of answering it (unless it's a dire emergency). I started carrying the Sunday crossword in my purse. Answer the phone, and the rest of the dinner conversation goes as follows.."What's a seven letter word for selfish asshole?" It took a few turns, but it worked....
Posted by: Nyt | February 04, 2008 at 10:34 AM
There seem to be a lot of reasons listed to end the marriage. I'm wondering what we're not getting that would tell us why she stays. If we knew what's keeping her there, we might be able to weigh whether or not there's even a marriage left.
Posted by: Eden | February 04, 2008 at 10:38 AM
Lady, you got SO played. You let him wear you down, and for what? A promise that he would change? You're a fool.
In your defense, he's being a jackass. So here's the first thing you do: Buy one of those cell phone signal blockers that you can use on your "date nights." They're technically illegal, so you certainly didn't hear about them from me or the Bitches, and as far as we are concerned la la la they don't exist. Turn it on, his cell phone will magically not ring during your whole date. Or so we hear. From someone we know. Who lives where this is legal.
Now you get off your ass and make some friends! If you don't have a job, get one, preferably doing something you like with people and OUT OF THE HOUSE. Ain't no shame in working retail, at least you'll have people to bitch with and things to bitch about besides your sad marriage wreck. Join some kind of club. Go to a freaking exercise class (not that we're calling you fat). Whatever. Get busy and stay busy for six months and see if you don't start missing your husband a little when he's not around. If after 6 months you find you don't miss him at all, then leave him.
Posted by: Nelle | February 04, 2008 at 10:48 AM
He "asked" you to move. Fine. He "begged" you to. Still fine. He "demanded" that you do so? Oh hell no. If I'm reading this right, he bullied you into moving and then conveniently forgot his promise to help you with the adjustment. Get yourselves to marriage counseling yesterday. If he won't go, go yourself and at least try to figure out if there's something worth saving here. I'm furious for you, hon. You deserve a partner, and he's not acting like one.
Posted by: Kristin | February 04, 2008 at 12:01 PM
I don't know what your husband does for a living, (you said he works as an “activist”) so obviously he is passionate about his work. You knew that he wanted this move and this job bad enough that he asked, begged, and demanded moving. So obviously this new job is important to him. Support him in this. He will be more willing to work with you on your issues if you are willing to help him and support him in what he feels passionate about.
You also stated that it took you a while in your old location to feel comfortable, and meet friends. This isn’t going to happen over night at the new city either. Instead of sitting around waiting and whining about it. Get out and make it happen. Find a new job. Find new friends. Take enrichment classes at the local college. Join a book group. A knitting circle. SOMETHING.
Posted by: Crazy Lady | February 13, 2008 at 02:03 PM