Parasites.

Hello Ladies,
I’ve been reading your column for some time and I am a fan.
Here’s my dilemma...after 25 years of a semi-happy/healthy marriage, my youngest of 3 kids is graduating from high school in may and flying the nest to go off to college. We will then have 2 in college at the same time. Our oldest one graduated a few years ago. We are thrilled they will all be college graduates.

The problem comes in when it comes to money. I feel it’s more than fair for my husband and myself to pay 1/2 of the tuition for a 4 year degree for each child. And they can take out loans for the other 2 years. I mean, if it was one child we were putting thru, it would be do-able. 3 complete college educations in this day and age would be hurting my husbands and my future for a life too. We’ve always put our kids first and made sure they were well taken care of. But I just don’t see any reason why they can’t be responsible for  1/2 of their education. I think it would help them appreciate it a little more than if it was just handed to them. I’d like to have a little time and money to enjoy part of my life too. I’ve given up enough and I’ve got to draw the line somewhere. And I feel kind of guilty that we can’t pay for all of it. But we need to be able to pay our house payment, and have time to take little trips and renew what we once had and have a little $$ to spend on ourselves for a change.

Sometimes they are like little sponges sucking us dry and will continue to until I put my foot down. They will not be very happy with me, but then, I am the mother, not the friend.

Just kind of wanted some feedback from you ladies. Do you think what I put out there is appropriate? How do I not feel so guilty?

Thanks,
Sweety

As you well know, I have no children.  So I haven't even begun to think about a college education for the fuckers as I stand firm that until they feel the need to stay put up in my ute for more than a few months we aren't ready to talk about college.  So instead, I will tell you what my parents did for me.

I'm kind of torn reading your question.  And that's probably because I don't have children but want them so badly.  And I'm kind of waffling on the level of bitchiness I want to display.  Part of me wants to scream "Hell yes homegirl needs a little tropical R&R every once in a while and maybe some pretty shoes too." 

But at the same time I DO think that part of your job as a parent is to take into account your children's college education and prepare for it.  My parents made the same deal with both me and my sister and that was they would pay for our college as long as we took it seriously and did well but if we screwed it up, we were on our own.  Naturally?  I screwed it up and so I did end up working three jobs (plus one of questionable legality) to pay for the last three years of my education. But I knew the drill from day 1 and I ALSO knew that student loans were out of the question.  If I thought I was going to have to take out a loan then my parents were going to be the ones to loan me the money.

So yeah, I do kind of think you're being selfish.  And I've always felt that once you become a parent, you no longer get to put yourself first.  It's one thing to just not be able to afford it but I think encouraging your children to take out loans for half of their college education is kind of irresponsible, especially with the rash of predatory student loan companies popping up all over the place.  By presenting that option to them first you are inadvertently encouraging them to take on a huge financial burden at a very delicate time in their lives.  Something that could ruin their long-term financial future.  Your children may end up being denied financing for a car or even a house if they have trouble paying off their student loans.  You know... because you needed a little "YOU" time.

But sometimes paying their tuition simply isn't feasible.  And that's fine.  If you aren't in the position to pay for it then obviously, you just can't.  Period.  So maybe instead of loans you could help them look into grants or together you could make a plan for the first two years of school while they aren't worrying about paying tuition to help them qualify for scholarships for their second two years.  Or perhaps they should just look into a two-year institution.

I don't know. Like I said, I'm kind of torn.  I don't think your priorities are totally in order on this one but I also don't think that I have enough of a perspective on the situation to give you much of an educated answer.  But I do stand firm that telling them to plan on taking out student loans for the second half of their college education is a REALLY bad idea.  At least be very involved with them as they look for better options.  There are hundreds of thousands of grants and scholarships available.  Please explore those options and only take student loans into consideration as a very last resort.

First, what you're doing is FINE... it seems lately that people think that a college education is an entitlement from their parents no matter how much effort they themselves have applied, just like food, shelter, xBox 360s, cute dresses from Justice... oh, sorry. And I'm not just directing that at my own child, either, especially when I take into account my sorry sister who complains about having to *gasp* WORK while she goes to school for "spending money." Translation: liquor money. Or my other sister who has a prepaid plan but wants to go out of state at 6 times the cost "because she just likes it better."

Anyway, I got told that if I didn't get a scholarship, I wouldn't be going. Don't feel guilty at all- paying half is better than nothing. Because the first time you put some restrictions on them, they're all "but I'm an ADULT," right? Let them find out about ADULT, and you and your husband take a fabulous vacation and send them postcards saying "I'm spending your college money!" Make sure you're holding a drink in the photo. But only do this if they're really showing ass about the whole thing- if they take it in stride and get jobs or financial aid without a complaint, leave out the postcard part.

Trust me, one day they'll grow up and understand. At their age now, they understand themselves and what they want and very little else, and it's just their age.  We were all assholes at 19.

On the other hand, I feel like an asshole now after reading PChef's answer. Let me add an addendum: If ANY of your kids work extremely hard at school and take it seriously and care deeply about their futures and don't act like they're at College Girls Gone Wild auditions on the weekends, FIND A WAY TO PAY, even if it's just for one of them. Then they can get good jobs later and send YOU on vacation later, not to mention that whole private-room-in-the-nursing-home aspect. If they're kind of wishy-washy on the whole thing or just basically slackers, then they don't deserve it. But a kid who's worked hard their whole life deserves to keep going with some kind of reward in my mind, all bitchiness aside. Consider it an investment.

Still on bitch-leave...

Comments

[ginamonster]

I'm actually on your side with this one. It is exceptionally generous in this day and age for a parent to pay for school. I think too many kids expect that they should. I know my younger siblings did. (They are more realistic these days) My mom offered us all the same deal, that we could live at home for free if we were in school.

My mom explained to me early that paying for my education was up to me. With 4 kids, there was no way that she could afford it. And, she is at an age (as I imagine you are) that she needs to start considering how she will be supported during retirement. I put myself through trade school, my sister has a bachelors in Biology. My mom was able to help her by buying her books.

So I say, help however you can, and in your comfort zone. You deserve a vacation after many years of raising kids, and I tend to think they will take it more serious if they are paying for it.

And, if you are going to pay half, I think you should have a say in where they go. My little sister has $60,000 in school loans because she chose an expensive out of state school assuming that she'd be making $100,000 a year to start. Since she keeps changing majors, she still has several years left (but has thankfully moved back and is going to finish in her home state) My mom, as cosigner, may end up responsible for those loans.

Sure, you can consider it an investment, but just because you think of it that way doesn't mean they do.

[S]

Yes there are crappy student loan companies, but if your kid takes out federal student loans the interest rates are super low, and on a housing (when they would apply to buy a house someday far in the future) it is considered "good" debt.

I have worked in the student loan industry, and I also have student loans.

My sister and I are 2 years apart and my dad was finishing his MBA. Needless to say we both had half our college time paid for and the rest was on student loans.

For me it was something that enabled me to get my head out of my ass and it made me realize that i HAVE to pay it back.

I now wish I had paid for all of it. I know that I wasted some of their money, but i think the whole college experience was totally and completely worth it, no matter who paid or how much. Grants and scholarships are worth it if you can get all the paper work together and meet all the deadlines.

Good luck, it's a tough decision, and it's really a personal one.

As a mother I think that when my daughter is ready for college, that she will get some paid, but not all, but if we are in a position to pay for all of it, that it will have to be based on how she does initially.
Then again i could change my mind.

[Vixen]

I am a UK student and I just couldn't have gone to University under the system over here without my parents. Here, parental contribution to higher education is expected by the government.

I moved to another city for my degree (it was the only one in the country doing my course), but my government-funded loan is only £100 a year more than my sister who still lives with my parents. This extra £100 is supposed to pay my rent and food bills for 9 months of the year, which is ridiculous. I also work part-time for spending money, but only make about £50 a week.

I know just how hard my parents work for me and my sister to pay for our education and I thank them every day for the amazing opportunity they've given me. When I was forced to do an extra year because of illness, my parents were incredibly supportive, emotionally and financially. I plan on getting the best degree I can as a thanks for all the money and time my parents have invested in my future.

If your kids have any sense, they will truly appreciate the sacrifices you are making for them. Try to work a compromise with them that will work for all of you. I have to say that I don't grudge working so my parents can give me a little less and pay for a yearly holiday together or the home improvements they've made since I left. They've earnt it. And so have you.

[Nyt]

Our party line on higher education? Get a job, get a loan, and if you do really well (graduating in the top 25% of your class) we'll do our best to pay your student loans back. Both my husband and I paid for our own educations. My husband is also an adjunct instructor at a local university, and he will be the first to tell you that the kids who are on Mom and Dad's dime are his lowest performers....
That being said, a friend of mine had another brilliant idea. She and her husband funded each child's college fund to a total of 100k. The kids were then told that that's all the money they would be receiving for school. Go wherever you want, take as long as you want, but you're not getting one more dime.....
I think either option is fair. Actually, I like the second one better. Give your kids a flat dollar amount that you can afford. Let them choose from their options like real grown-ups. If, at a later date, you can afford to help pay-off loans, then great. If not, they have their education and a sense of self-worth from earning it.
You are not alone here, there are literally thousands of parents who are forced into choosing between retirement and higher education for their kids. Don't fall into the trap. Higher education is not mandatory, kid's are not entitled to it. There are however, such things as mandatory retirement ages. You will be forced (at some point) into not working.
We all would love to be able to give our children anything and everything that they desire, however, that's just not possible. What we can give our kids, no matter what our tax bracket, are lessons that they may carry with them throughout their lives...

[Sharon]

I want both my kids to go to college and we are willing to help.
BUT. We can't afford retirement and two college educations. Unless my future DIL or SIL are happy to have their MIL live with them, I'd advise my kids to help themselves.
They can borrow against an education. I can't borrow against retirement.