How Do You Tell an Addict Is Lying? Their Lips Are Moving.

I got some bad news yesterday.
My best and just about only close friend has a major drug problem.
I am in recovery so to hear this is heart wrenching.
Every part of my mind is saying pick up and run while you still can.

But...

Then I have this tiny voice saying she called you because is trying to recover and needs a shoulder to lean on. I know her recovery will have to be her own. I also know it can be one of the hardest times in a persons life the suicide rate among recovering people is extremely high. 

I do not want to go much in to my past I am not proud of those days. I will say I lost each and every friend I had. People who I had known from 2 yrs old on. (Yes I am WORKING on rebuilding those relationships) No I never stole from them or hurt them… I just changed.

So a huge part of me wants to be there for her. I know the lonely pain she is feeling I know how it feels to give up something you think you NEED to survive.

But this friend this first and only friend sense rehab…
She had medical problems,
She would call me crying for hours on end because the Drs were accusing her of doing drugs.
She will tell me how unfair she was treated and that no one would help her because the Drs said she must be on m*e*t*h.
I talked with her about her suicidal thoughts and told her how normal they were when no one believe the truth…
I would feel horrible for her and cry with her and felt that scared lonely pain that she was feeling.

Except she was on drugs and all those hours of lending a shoulder to cry on were lies. I am sure to herself as much as to me. But none the less lies.

With her “sickness” she would be stuck in bed for days unable to move. I would go to her house on those days and bring her lunch make sure her CHILDREN were fed and properly taken care of help her HUSBAND run errands. I did what I thought any friend would do for a VERY SICK person.

Like I said above I have been one with the drug I know its effects and I now see she had just crashed. That’s all it was, a crash.

Like I said above she has children.

My child was my final and last realization that I could not have anything like that in my life. Even though I had been clean for close to a year before getting pregnant. Before her there was still that little voice in my head saying you know you miss it.

Had I known she was on drugs I would have called the cops. Call me a bad friend but crack is not like pot where you get the munchies… No you forget hours at a time and what is going on around you. (I know one drug is not better then another)  This friend has 4 children her youngest is 4 and loves to twirl. This in its self is what most makes me want to slap her.

I know somewhere in all of this is a lesson. Right now I can not get my mind around the fact that someone I cared for so much spent so many hours with, was on drugs and I did not see it. I use to make and sell the shit but could not see she was high??

I do not know what to do. I am bitter at the things I did for her because she was on drugs. But hopeful that she is really seeing what is important. I know deep down there is a wonderful woman just awaiting to grow more. But I do not know if I am strong enough myself to be the one to help with that growth.

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. I tried my brother who simply said hon you lied too – drug addicts are not picky liars. They simply lie to themselves and all those around. My mother said her recovery is her own. Then went on about m*e*t*h being an epidemic these days. D said I would no longer be her friend you trusted her and she let you down.

I am going back and forth.

Sometimes there are situations that call for what can loosely be called "tough love."  I prefer to call it "fuck all the bullshit, it's time to throw down."  Recovery is hard work, I've been there too.  But eventually you have to make a very black or white decision.  Are you going to be an addict or not?  Yes or no.  You chose no and I applaud you for that, it wasn't easy, I know.

She hasn't made that decision yet.  And you have tried to be there for her as a friend and out of concern for her children but you cannot risk your own sobriety at her expense.  You've done what you can and it's time for this to not be your fight.  Her husband knows what the deal is, surely.  And if for some crazy reason he's blind to it then you and he need to have a very open and honest conversation.  Because his wife needs help.

She needs a rehab program and he's going to have to take on some extra responsibilities while she is getting clean.  But that's where your role in this needs to end.  At least until she is in rehab.  If he needs some help with the kids while she is away and you think you are strong enough on your own to give that assistance, that's your call.  But I say if she isn't willing to go into rehab then you need to wash your hands of the whole thing.  A clean break.

I know you probably thing you will be just leaving her children hung out to dry but they DO have a father.  So give the ultimatum.  No secrets from anyone.  You tell her you know she needs help and that you want to see her get it but if she isn't willing to get clean then you can't be in her life anymore.  You've worked too hard on your own sobriety to risk it.  Trust me.

You are not the primary person responsible for her, her husband is. Tell yourself that OVER AND OVER. If he doesn't know what's going on, then tell him, but beyond that, it is not your responsibility to care for her children or run her errands. Now, if the children are in danger, it most certainly is your responsibility to call the proper authorities and report the situation, whether you like it or not. Kids don't deserve some fucked-up, drug-infested mess of a mother neglecting them while their father turns a blind eye.

Now, mostly I am sensing how pissed you are that she lied to you, too. But what's she going to say? "Hey, can you come watch the kids because I have a 3:30 with my dealer that I just can't cancel?" or "Can you run little Johnny to soccer practice tonight? I have a big pile of blow here and really need to do an Al Pacino impression." Not likely. Addicts don't work like that. It's fair that you're angry, but your brother was right- addicts lie, and I'm sure you did, too. It's just part of it, and it wasn't meant as a slight against you. Let that part go. You're going to need to if she gets better if you want her in your life later.

Your main focus should be your own recovery. If you're not far enough along with it to guarantee your own safety in dealing with her, then it's time to be selfish and cut her loose. Protect yourself first and her later, honey. If that means walking away, then so be it. Just make sure she knows that you're still there for her if she does the work to get better herself. Because SHE is the only one that can do it- NOT YOU.

Still on bitch-leave...

Comments

[rawdawgbuffalo]

LOL yep, if they dave Chapel and/or depending on what they are doing with their mouth and what kind of addict they are....for example the name game

[Kristie]

Do you ladies not have any questions? Should we make some up?