The Feminine Mistake

Hi bitches-

Okay, I really need some advice because I have no idea what to do.  I have a nice job that is pretty easy for the most part (sometimes stressful, but only a few times a year when I get audited).  I get to go in and leave when I want and I can take time off when I need to.  I make fairly good money and have really good benefits.  My dilemma is that my husband has been offered a professorship at a university in another state.  I am currently pregnant and kinda’ like the idea of being able to stay home with this baby as I was not able to stay home with my daughter.  I was able to take her to work, however, and I know I will be able to do the same with this baby if I keep my current position.  I just can’t decide at this point whether or not I can give up my job and house and life in my current town, to go follow my husband to a small town in Arkansas (you heard me).

His new job in only 5 hours from here and we’ve discussed him moving there and coming back every other weekend and then spending holidays and summers here.

The problem with this is that I will essentially be a single mom for most of the year.  Plus, does it seem weird to y’all for a married couple to live 5 hours apart?

I just really am confused about this.  Would you give up financial independence at a really good job where you have tons of autonomy and good job security in order to be a stay-at-home mom?  Another component of this is that our financial situation will temporarily worsen if I quit my job (until his income increases with tenure).  Professors actually don’t make much money, so my lifestyle will change if I quit my job.  I currently don’t have to worry about money too much.  I make enough to support a middle-class lifestyle, which is enough for me to be happy.

I know I could get another job in Arkansas , however, I really don’t want to work in another office.  I tend to hate office politics and the kind of people my type of job attracts.

And to top all of this off, this new book “the Feminine Mistake” has come out saying career women who quit their jobs end up miserable and dependent on their husbands who may or may not leave them at some point in the future.  This has increased my anxiety quite bit.

What would you do?
Don’t want to make the Feminine Mistake 

Has your husband considered giving up HIS offer for YOU? I am just LOVING how it seems like this is all being put on your shoulders- I just wanted to check and see if he is in any way vision-impaired, because from what you've told me, he sounds blind as a fucking bat. If you have everything going for you that you say, it's also an option for him to TURN DOWN the offer, is it not? I personally would put my foot down and stay right where I am, but that's just me.

The five hour thing? I wouldn't recommend it if you want to stay married. It works sometimes, but... somehow I think another question would be coming to us eventually.

As for working instead of staying home, I never once considered staying home (money-wise, I couldn't), and I don't regret it. If this makes me less of a mother, then fuck it. I am who I am. In all honesty, I think if your heart wants to be out and doing your thing at the same time, then you should. Your child (especially if a girl) will see a strong woman who keeps it all going- not a resentful one about how her life has turned out and what all she gave up. That's what it's all been about for women- CHOICE. And you have one. USE IT.

Oh hell.  If there is one thing I'm learning from questions today, it's this... I have no idea how I feel about some kind of big issues.  I have always planned on staying home once Patrick and I have children, but I know that it isn't for everyone.  So you ask if I would give up financial independence and a good job with security and autonomy to be a stay at home mom... yes.  I would.  In a heartbeat.  Because that's what I want.  I'm not you.

But if there is one thing I DO know it's that uprooting your entire life is SCARY AS HELL.  Trust me, I'm in the middle of it right now.  Patrick and I have both started new jobs, we've moved away from Augusta and nothing is the same anymore.  But it's a decision we made together.  Because we knew that it was the best thing for both of us and our future.  Allow me to repeat that... we made this decision TOGETHER.  And reading your question I'm having a hard time seeing where the teamwork was when this job offer for your husband came up.

From the sounds of it, him not taking the professorship and the two of you staying right where you are wasn't ever an option.  Or was it?  It sounds like you have a good thing going where you are.  Great childcare arrangement, stable job with hard-to-find flexibility and you actually LIKE it.  Those are all tough things to give up.  But at the same time, the thought of having a long-distance marriage needs to just work itself out of your head right now.  You are going to be so busy taking care of a new baby AND your daughter.  I fear that if you add a long distance marriage in that mix you will work yourself into a routine that no longer allows time for your marriage.

It kind of sounds to me like you've already made up your mind and you are looking for permission to be upset about your husband wanting to uproot you all and move to Arkansas.  And I say get mad!  But not about moving.  What's the real issue here?  Is it that he hasn't considered not taking the professorship or that he's asking you to stay home and you don't want to?  Or are you just afraid that you'll resent him because the latest feminist tome says you will?  Don't let a book tell you how you feel.  I hate those books because they try and make you feel bad about yourself as a woman if you don't live up to whatever their latest opinion of a strong woman is.

Do you know what I think a strong woman is?  I think a strong woman is one who does what makes her happy.  I think a strong woman is one who manages to take the best interest of everyone in her family, INCLUDING HERSELF, in mind when making difficult decisions.  I think a strong woman is one who doesn't let a book tell her how she should feel.  Instead she cuts her own path.  And along with her family, as a team, she comes up with a way to make it all work.  Maybe moving is the right thing, maybe it's time for a new adventure.  But maybe not.  Just make certain you are all taking all your options into consideration.  You know... except for that long distance marriage one.  That sucks.

Still on bitch-leave...

Comments

[sarahj]

Welcome back, bitches. You were missed!

[Miss Cellania]

I agree, the problem here is that she didn't mention anything about what her husband said or feels about this. If he's not willing to negotiate or compromise on this life decision, how is he going to feel about supporting the family by himself? You gotta find out!

Then again, maybe he IS willing to talk about it. The priorities here are how bad he wants this job, how happy or unhappy you will be, and how much compromising you two can do.

Once those things are settled, and IF you both are willing to give a little, the other stuff doesn't matter as much. You CAN live on one salary. You CAN find another job you like. He CAN turn down this offer. You CAN change your mind about stay-at-home vs. work at a later point. You CAN look for some completely different type of career. You CAN raise kids by yourself (but I wouldn't recommend it).

Remember, this is more about your marriage than any job. Jobs never last forever. Good luck.

[Kristie]

Oh, HELL no. Did your husband apply for this job? Did he tell you about it before hand? Or was it just offered to him out of the blue?

If this were me and my husband were forcing me to choose between a sucky option and an even suckier option I might have to come up with my own plan "c". Since it's highly likely that the every other weekend scenario isn't going to play out successfully I personally would throw the ball back in his court.

I? Would not go. Your doctor is here, your insurance is here (or are you on his?), your support network is here. I would give him the choice to stay home with you and the kids or go on his merry way by himself.

Sorry if that seems harsh but marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. The husband does not get to make the life changing decisions by himself. He also does not get to offer up options that give him what he wants while you give up everything you've worked for.

[Feminine Mistake-Maker (but it's okay)]

Hi All-
I'm the one who posted this question and I want to thank everyone for their comments, advice, support, etc.
In my original e-mail I did make it sound like hubby was making big life decisions all by himself, but it was really a matter of overlapping opportunities arising quickly. He had been working on his PhD with the goal of getting a professorship before we even started dating. After he completed school, he tryed to get a satisfying job (but not the professorship he wanted) in our area for a couple of years, while applying to universities that we discussed together as options for our family. While this was happening, my career kept getting better and better. I went from being someone's assistant to being in charge within a couple of years. The place where I worked experienced tremendous growth rapidly, increasing the prestige and security of my position in a very short time.
In the end, we decided for the family that it would be great for him to be a professor and have summers off and long winter breaks and for me to dedicate the next few years at least to raising the kids. Of course, he helps, but I am the primary caregiver and it has been hard. I do feel privileged, though, that I can be at home with my kids while they're small.
I have anxiety everytime I think about the fact that I am completely financially dependent on my husband. He's wonderful and see it all as "our" money and lets me control all the finances and doesn't give me an allowance or any weird crap like that, so at least there's that. And of course, I can always get a job in the future if I decide to.
I still don't know if I made the right decision, because I can't tell the future. If something happens to my husband, I suppose I might always find myself having to start over in the job market. Or maybe life will go along wonderfully and I will get to be that rare woman in today's economy who doesn't have to choose between work and kids.
I am a lot less stressed with my children than I was before. That has been a blessing. I feel I know my daughter better and appreciate her more. My husband stayed home with her when she was a baby, so I'm so happy to be the one staying home with our son.

Thanks everyone! Glad to see the bitches are back!