Something to Do While We Get All Prepared
Yes, we said we were returning and then took our sweet-ass time doing it. It was cruel and shameless teasing for the readers, and we totally admit our suckitude on the matter. However, please let me bombard you with excuses WHY, so that maybe you can find it in your hearts to forgive us and then have a little fun with us.
Let's see... Zube Girl has that whole "new baby and full-time job thing" going on, PaintingChef just went through a multi-state move, even managed to become one of the 13 people nationally who actually managed to sell a house in this market, and me- well, I had the worst case of writer's block ever. Truthfully, had I tried to answer, I would have been *gasp* NICE. Should I also mention the billing fiasco with TypePad that locked us out? (I would try to blame this on TypePad to gain extra sympathy, but somehow ignoring expiration dates on credit cards and then wondering why the hell things don't work and stubbornly refusing to believe that you did anything wrong even when they tell you you did cannot be blamed on TypePad. I won't mention any names specifically, however. You can guess.)
HOWEVER, we are INDEED returning. There are still some little duckies who are stubbornly refusing to get their asses in a row, though, but our OVERWHELMING guilt about the lack of bitchiness in the atmosphere led me to come up with this little game. YOU GUYS get to bitch!!! YES!!! It's the OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME!!
Since we have some questions that are no doubt past their expiration date and the questioners have had to regrettably figure shit out on their own already, we figured we'd let you have a little fun here. Use the comments to post YOUR OWN BITCHY ANSWER. You very own. All yours.
And yes, I purposely picked long ones with LOTS of background information. And ones that are a little tough. (Hah- now you too can see that bitchiness takes work!) We'll do a few of these while we're getting warmed back up, so get your bitchy little keyboards ready.
Love,
Bonanza
••••••••••
Bitches,
You are young and probably haven’t reached the stage where your parents need you. Start thinking about what you will do....and then tell me.
My mother has a neurological disorder that gets worse over time. Knowing this, my sisters and I talked about moving to the same town. One sister couldn’t make the move because of her husband’s job, so that left 2 of us with my parents (who moved after we did). We figured it would be better to live close when things go downhill rather than have to make trips on the weekends while juggling jobs and kids. In theory, this made sense.
But now we are at their disposal and they are really clueless about how they are leaning on us much more than they need to. It is wearing us out. We have talked openly about this with them. We sat down with a family therapist one time to try to draw boundaries. They just don’t get it.
My mother can do very little for herself now, and my dad is (understandably) overwhelmed. He thinks nothing of calling us (often on short notice) to “babysit” for mom. I have made it clear that I am available for about 3 hours every week to help out. My kids are still young and I have a full-time job. My other sister also makes herself available. They also have nurses and a maid. Still, they continue to call on us too much.
Background (Does that word just make you cringe?): My parents are very, very generous. They have given each of us more than $30,000 over the years, saying that we will get no inheritance when they die because they believe in giving it away now, when we really need it. They took all of us (husbands and kids, too) on an Alaskan cruise. They had a beach house and we had free use of it for years (although free is never free, and we helped with upkeep of the house). They regularly treat to dinner, etc.
They always want to give more, but in recent years we have refused it. Now we don’t even let them buy dinner at the local take-out.
We have never bothered them with babysitting their grandkids. We do go over for regular visits with them, but we feel that they already raised their children and shouldn’t have to raise ours. So, even before mom’s disease took over and she and dad were both fine, we did not impose.
We have spent many years helping them, cleaning their house (for which we were paid, but less than they would have to pay someone else to do it) and being there for the numerous surgeries they have both had. Dad went through cancer surgery and radiation treatments as well as open heart. Mom’s health problems are endless. They are both in their 70s.
Now dad has another possible surgery coming up. When he is out of commission we have 2 people to take care of. We have done this many times and it’s no easy feat. They do hire help, but it doesn’t cover
everything. They do not want to move to a nursing home yet. They do not want live-in help. Why should they? They have family in town to help them! And even if they did move, it would fall on us to make that
happen and neither one of us has the time right now.
We look down the road and it just gets worse from here. If we had not moved to the same town, they may have already gone into assisted living. We wanted to pull together and help out, but looking back it seems like a case of “no good deed”. I have an internal war about it that I can not make peace with. “I would do anything for them!” “This is too much!” “They deserve our help.” “They are clueless about how much they are asking.” “There are people who do so much more.” “I feel very sorry for those people.” “When they die, I’ll regret not doing more.” “I might die before they do, at this rate.”
How do I do all I can for them but not end up resenting the hell out of both of them and feeling nothing but relief when they die?
Signed,
Guilt Sucks
Let's see... Zube Girl has that whole "new baby and full-time job thing" going on, PaintingChef just went through a multi-state move, even managed to become one of the 13 people nationally who actually managed to sell a house in this market, and me- well, I had the worst case of writer's block ever. Truthfully, had I tried to answer, I would have been *gasp* NICE. Should I also mention the billing fiasco with TypePad that locked us out? (I would try to blame this on TypePad to gain extra sympathy, but somehow ignoring expiration dates on credit cards and then wondering why the hell things don't work and stubbornly refusing to believe that you did anything wrong even when they tell you you did cannot be blamed on TypePad. I won't mention any names specifically, however. You can guess.)
HOWEVER, we are INDEED returning. There are still some little duckies who are stubbornly refusing to get their asses in a row, though, but our OVERWHELMING guilt about the lack of bitchiness in the atmosphere led me to come up with this little game. YOU GUYS get to bitch!!! YES!!! It's the OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME!!
Since we have some questions that are no doubt past their expiration date and the questioners have had to regrettably figure shit out on their own already, we figured we'd let you have a little fun here. Use the comments to post YOUR OWN BITCHY ANSWER. You very own. All yours.
And yes, I purposely picked long ones with LOTS of background information. And ones that are a little tough. (Hah- now you too can see that bitchiness takes work!) We'll do a few of these while we're getting warmed back up, so get your bitchy little keyboards ready.
Love,
Bonanza
••••••••••
Bitches,
You are young and probably haven’t reached the stage where your parents need you. Start thinking about what you will do....and then tell me.
My mother has a neurological disorder that gets worse over time. Knowing this, my sisters and I talked about moving to the same town. One sister couldn’t make the move because of her husband’s job, so that left 2 of us with my parents (who moved after we did). We figured it would be better to live close when things go downhill rather than have to make trips on the weekends while juggling jobs and kids. In theory, this made sense.
But now we are at their disposal and they are really clueless about how they are leaning on us much more than they need to. It is wearing us out. We have talked openly about this with them. We sat down with a family therapist one time to try to draw boundaries. They just don’t get it.
My mother can do very little for herself now, and my dad is (understandably) overwhelmed. He thinks nothing of calling us (often on short notice) to “babysit” for mom. I have made it clear that I am available for about 3 hours every week to help out. My kids are still young and I have a full-time job. My other sister also makes herself available. They also have nurses and a maid. Still, they continue to call on us too much.
Background (Does that word just make you cringe?): My parents are very, very generous. They have given each of us more than $30,000 over the years, saying that we will get no inheritance when they die because they believe in giving it away now, when we really need it. They took all of us (husbands and kids, too) on an Alaskan cruise. They had a beach house and we had free use of it for years (although free is never free, and we helped with upkeep of the house). They regularly treat to dinner, etc.
They always want to give more, but in recent years we have refused it. Now we don’t even let them buy dinner at the local take-out.
We have never bothered them with babysitting their grandkids. We do go over for regular visits with them, but we feel that they already raised their children and shouldn’t have to raise ours. So, even before mom’s disease took over and she and dad were both fine, we did not impose.
We have spent many years helping them, cleaning their house (for which we were paid, but less than they would have to pay someone else to do it) and being there for the numerous surgeries they have both had. Dad went through cancer surgery and radiation treatments as well as open heart. Mom’s health problems are endless. They are both in their 70s.
Now dad has another possible surgery coming up. When he is out of commission we have 2 people to take care of. We have done this many times and it’s no easy feat. They do hire help, but it doesn’t cover
everything. They do not want to move to a nursing home yet. They do not want live-in help. Why should they? They have family in town to help them! And even if they did move, it would fall on us to make that
happen and neither one of us has the time right now.
We look down the road and it just gets worse from here. If we had not moved to the same town, they may have already gone into assisted living. We wanted to pull together and help out, but looking back it seems like a case of “no good deed”. I have an internal war about it that I can not make peace with. “I would do anything for them!” “This is too much!” “They deserve our help.” “They are clueless about how much they are asking.” “There are people who do so much more.” “I feel very sorry for those people.” “When they die, I’ll regret not doing more.” “I might die before they do, at this rate.”
How do I do all I can for them but not end up resenting the hell out of both of them and feeling nothing but relief when they die?
Signed,
Guilt Sucks
Dear Ungrateful McBitcherson,
You, my dear, are not worthy of having parents as kind and generous as yours.
How can you be so selfish at a time like this? Your parents have gone above and beyond, by your own admission, to make sure your wreched ass has had everything you ever needed and more that you didn't need but wanted.
Just so you know? Babysitting your kids is not even remotely the same as "babysitting" your invalid mother. Have you any idea how many people out there WISH that their mothers were still around to be taken care of? The fact that you "never imposed" with your children (which you shouldn't have done anyway so I don't know why you'd expect kudos there) does not mean that you should be considered "off limits" in the "request for help taking care of Mom" department.
Yes, juggling small children, a full time job, and a husband can be difficult but this is what FAMILIES do for each other. Let your husband be a father and take care of the kids so you can help your father care for your mother. It's part of what he signed up for when he married into your family.
And remember, what goes around comes around so don't come back here in 40 years complaining that your kids dumped you in a home and never visit. Judging by the level of self centeredness displayed in this letter I'm willing to bet that you won't be dishing out the dollars and bankrolling the vacations for them the way your parents did for you.
(P.S. I really hope this was a made up question because I'd never give an answer like this to someone in real life.)
Posted by: Kristie | January 28, 2008 at 07:14 PM
As far as I know, this is a real question.
And well done, my dear. Well done.
Posted by: Bonanza Jellybean | January 29, 2008 at 05:56 AM
My daughter was ill for 5 years before her death. It took a lot of time to try and give her the care she needed.
While we were fighting for her life everything else took the backseat. We lost most of our friends, we nearly went bankrupt, it took a toll on our marriage and on the rest of the kids.
There were days that I wanted to run and hide because the stress was almost too much to bare.
It's now been 5 years since we buried her and I'd sell my soul to the highest bidder just to have her back again.
Now instead of feeling stressed and overwhelmed by caring for her I feel an emptiness that nothing will ease.
Instead of trying to get her through one more day I now take flowers to her grave.
Instead of being able to cherish each moment with her I look back with regret at all the time that I missed out on with her. All the things left unsaid, undone.
It can be overwhleming to care for an ill loved one. But the emptiness that comes after their death is even worse.
You'll never regret the time you spend caring for them. You will regret that the time ran out.
Posted by: j | January 30, 2008 at 11:44 AM
Dear Guilt Sucks,
You cannot possibly have guilt, because to have guilt, you must have a SOUL. You have obviously misplaced yours.
You only have "about 3 hours a week" to help out? I wonder how much of the family fortune your dear mother would give up to have 3 hours a week in a body that isn't malfunctioning. I wonder how many hours your father would give up to have his wife or himself healthy again? I wonder how many hours they wasted being disappointed in the soul-less shells of human beings that they raised.
You were happy to accept gifts and good times when you couldn't afford them yourself. Oh, that's right, it's not really "free" as you had to clean up after yourself. And of course, since cleaning a house requires effort, you were certainly entitled to payment.
I want you to look at your children, dear, and come to terms with the fact that what you're doing for your parents, is exactly the MAXIMUM that your children will do for you. Then, I want you to drag your ungrateful, soul-less, shameful ass back to the therapist and inform him/her that you've been diagnosed with a chronic case of entitle-itis. Personally, I'd reccommend a high colonic to force your head out of your ass, followed by massive doses of head trauma... Perhaps the therapist has a better idea...
Posted by: Nyt | January 30, 2008 at 11:57 AM
LOVING IT.
And well said, j. I cannot imagine what you feel, and it must anger you to no end to read this.
Posted by: Bonanza Jellybean | January 31, 2008 at 06:10 AM
Wow, Guilt Sucks, please get over yourself.
What if your mother and father only had 3 hours a week to raise you when you were young?
I understand you have young children, I understand they need a lot of attention. If you were to take the time to care for your parents, it would show your children that you have compassion, which is SO obviously absent at this point.
You can always get another job, you can not get another parent, once they are gone, they are gone for good.
Lastly, your "question" about how not to resent them? I'm sorry, but all I have is a HUGE smack in the forehead. THESE ARE YOUR PARENTS, stop acting like a spoiled, self centered child and selflessly give back a fraction what they have given to you. What you WILL regret is treating people (your PARENTS for crying out loud) like a burden.
Posted by: Jen, South Florida | January 31, 2008 at 11:22 AM
I have to agree with the other posters. This is not so much about what you OWE your parents, but more about what families do for each other. It's kinda' the point of having families - to know that someone out there will always have your back no matter how decrepit you may become.
You do owe them, don't get me wrong, but don't you WANT to help them?
Take your kids with you when you help out so they can learn some lessons about love, kindness, respect for the elderly/infirm, and family duty.
Posted by: Feminine Mistake-Maker (but it's okay) | February 03, 2008 at 02:38 PM
I'm just now reading all this! Ha! Been a little busy.
Here's the important fact you fine bitches glossed over in your rush to judgment (impressive judgment, I must say): They ask for much more than they need. We are there for them as much as they need, and gladly, but they want us to do things like go to the grocery store for one banana when we just did all their shopping the day before. They ran us ragged. We needed boundaries.
But yeah. I asked for it.
Love,
GS
Posted by: Guilt Sucks | March 23, 2008 at 10:14 PM