We Three Bitches

The Feminine Mistake

Hi bitches-

Okay, I really need some advice because I have no idea what to do.  I have a nice job that is pretty easy for the most part (sometimes stressful, but only a few times a year when I get audited).  I get to go in and leave when I want and I can take time off when I need to.  I make fairly good money and have really good benefits.  My dilemma is that my husband has been offered a professorship at a university in another state.  I am currently pregnant and kinda’ like the idea of being able to stay home with this baby as I was not able to stay home with my daughter.  I was able to take her to work, however, and I know I will be able to do the same with this baby if I keep my current position.  I just can’t decide at this point whether or not I can give up my job and house and life in my current town, to go follow my husband to a small town in Arkansas (you heard me).

His new job in only 5 hours from here and we’ve discussed him moving there and coming back every other weekend and then spending holidays and summers here.

The problem with this is that I will essentially be a single mom for most of the year.  Plus, does it seem weird to y’all for a married couple to live 5 hours apart?

I just really am confused about this.  Would you give up financial independence at a really good job where you have tons of autonomy and good job security in order to be a stay-at-home mom?  Another component of this is that our financial situation will temporarily worsen if I quit my job (until his income increases with tenure).  Professors actually don’t make much money, so my lifestyle will change if I quit my job.  I currently don’t have to worry about money too much.  I make enough to support a middle-class lifestyle, which is enough for me to be happy.

I know I could get another job in Arkansas , however, I really don’t want to work in another office.  I tend to hate office politics and the kind of people my type of job attracts.

And to top all of this off, this new book “the Feminine Mistake” has come out saying career women who quit their jobs end up miserable and dependent on their husbands who may or may not leave them at some point in the future.  This has increased my anxiety quite bit.

What would you do?
Don’t want to make the Feminine Mistake 

Has your husband considered giving up HIS offer for YOU? I am just LOVING how it seems like this is all being put on your shoulders- I just wanted to check and see if he is in any way vision-impaired, because from what you've told me, he sounds blind as a fucking bat. If you have everything going for you that you say, it's also an option for him to TURN DOWN the offer, is it not? I personally would put my foot down and stay right where I am, but that's just me.

The five hour thing? I wouldn't recommend it if you want to stay married. It works sometimes, but... somehow I think another question would be coming to us eventually.

As for working instead of staying home, I never once considered staying home (money-wise, I couldn't), and I don't regret it. If this makes me less of a mother, then fuck it. I am who I am. In all honesty, I think if your heart wants to be out and doing your thing at the same time, then you should. Your child (especially if a girl) will see a strong woman who keeps it all going- not a resentful one about how her life has turned out and what all she gave up. That's what it's all been about for women- CHOICE. And you have one. USE IT.

Oh hell.  If there is one thing I'm learning from questions today, it's this... I have no idea how I feel about some kind of big issues.  I have always planned on staying home once Patrick and I have children, but I know that it isn't for everyone.  So you ask if I would give up financial independence and a good job with security and autonomy to be a stay at home mom... yes.  I would.  In a heartbeat.  Because that's what I want.  I'm not you.

But if there is one thing I DO know it's that uprooting your entire life is SCARY AS HELL.  Trust me, I'm in the middle of it right now.  Patrick and I have both started new jobs, we've moved away from Augusta and nothing is the same anymore.  But it's a decision we made together.  Because we knew that it was the best thing for both of us and our future.  Allow me to repeat that... we made this decision TOGETHER.  And reading your question I'm having a hard time seeing where the teamwork was when this job offer for your husband came up.

From the sounds of it, him not taking the professorship and the two of you staying right where you are wasn't ever an option.  Or was it?  It sounds like you have a good thing going where you are.  Great childcare arrangement, stable job with hard-to-find flexibility and you actually LIKE it.  Those are all tough things to give up.  But at the same time, the thought of having a long-distance marriage needs to just work itself out of your head right now.  You are going to be so busy taking care of a new baby AND your daughter.  I fear that if you add a long distance marriage in that mix you will work yourself into a routine that no longer allows time for your marriage.

It kind of sounds to me like you've already made up your mind and you are looking for permission to be upset about your husband wanting to uproot you all and move to Arkansas.  And I say get mad!  But not about moving.  What's the real issue here?  Is it that he hasn't considered not taking the professorship or that he's asking you to stay home and you don't want to?  Or are you just afraid that you'll resent him because the latest feminist tome says you will?  Don't let a book tell you how you feel.  I hate those books because they try and make you feel bad about yourself as a woman if you don't live up to whatever their latest opinion of a strong woman is.

Do you know what I think a strong woman is?  I think a strong woman is one who does what makes her happy.  I think a strong woman is one who manages to take the best interest of everyone in her family, INCLUDING HERSELF, in mind when making difficult decisions.  I think a strong woman is one who doesn't let a book tell her how she should feel.  Instead she cuts her own path.  And along with her family, as a team, she comes up with a way to make it all work.  Maybe moving is the right thing, maybe it's time for a new adventure.  But maybe not.  Just make certain you are all taking all your options into consideration.  You know... except for that long distance marriage one.  That sucks.

Still on bitch-leave...

Something to Do While We Get All Prepared

Yes, we said we were returning and then took our sweet-ass time doing it. It was cruel and shameless teasing for the readers, and we totally admit our suckitude on the matter. However, please let me bombard you with excuses WHY, so that maybe you can find it in your hearts to forgive us and then have a little fun with us.

Let's see... Zube Girl has that whole "new baby and full-time job thing" going on, PaintingChef just went through a multi-state move, even managed to become one of the 13 people nationally who actually managed to sell a house in this market, and me- well, I had the worst case of writer's block ever. Truthfully, had I tried to answer, I would have been *gasp* NICE. Should I also mention the billing fiasco with TypePad that locked us out? (I would try to blame this on TypePad to gain extra sympathy, but somehow ignoring expiration dates on credit cards and then wondering why the hell things don't work and stubbornly refusing to believe that you did anything wrong even when they tell you you did cannot be blamed on TypePad. I won't mention any names specifically, however. You can guess.)

HOWEVER, we are INDEED returning. There are still some little duckies who are stubbornly refusing to get their asses in a row, though, but our OVERWHELMING guilt about the lack of bitchiness in the atmosphere led me to come up with this little game. YOU GUYS get to bitch!!! YES!!! It's the OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME!!

Since we have some questions that are no doubt past their expiration date and the questioners have had to regrettably figure shit out on their own already, we figured we'd let you have a little fun here. Use the comments to post YOUR OWN BITCHY ANSWER. You very own. All yours.

And yes, I purposely picked long ones with LOTS of background information. And ones that are a little tough. (Hah- now you too can see that bitchiness takes work!) We'll do a few of these while we're getting warmed back up, so get your bitchy little keyboards ready.

Love,
Bonanza

••••••••••

Bitches,

You are young and probably haven’t reached the stage where your parents need you. Start thinking about what you will do....and then tell me.

My mother has a neurological disorder that gets worse over time. Knowing this, my sisters and I talked about moving to the same town. One sister couldn’t make the move because of her husband’s job, so that left 2 of us with my parents (who moved after we did). We figured it would be better to live close when things go downhill rather than have to make trips on the weekends while juggling jobs and kids. In theory, this made sense.

But now we are at their disposal and they are really clueless about how they are leaning on us much more than they need to. It is wearing us out. We have talked openly about this with them. We sat down with a family therapist one time to try to draw boundaries. They just don’t get it.

My mother can do very little for herself now, and my dad is (understandably) overwhelmed. He thinks nothing of calling us (often on short notice) to “babysit” for mom.  I have made it clear that I am available for about 3 hours every week to help out. My kids are still young and I have a full-time job. My other sister also makes herself available. They also have nurses and a maid. Still, they continue to call on us too much.

Background (Does that word just make you cringe?): My parents are very, very generous. They have given each of us more than $30,000 over the years, saying that we will get no inheritance when they die because they believe in giving it away now, when we really need it. They took all of us (husbands and kids, too) on an Alaskan cruise. They had a beach house and we had free use of it for years (although free is never free, and we helped with upkeep of the house). They regularly treat to dinner, etc.
They always want to give more, but in recent years we have refused it. Now we don’t even let them buy dinner at the local take-out.

We have never bothered them with babysitting their grandkids. We do go over for regular visits with them, but we feel that they already raised their children and shouldn’t have to raise ours. So, even before mom’s disease took over and she and dad were both fine, we did not impose.

We have spent many years helping them, cleaning their house (for which we were paid, but less than they would have to pay someone else to do it) and being there for the numerous surgeries they have both had. Dad went through cancer surgery and radiation treatments as well as open heart. Mom’s health problems are endless. They are both in their 70s.

Now dad has another possible surgery coming up. When he is out of commission we have 2 people to take care of. We have done this many times and it’s no easy feat. They do hire help, but it doesn’t cover
everything. They do not want to move to a nursing home yet. They do not want live-in help. Why should they? They have family in town to help them! And even if they did move, it would fall on us to make that
happen and neither one of us has the time right now.

We look down the road and it just gets worse from here. If we had not moved to the same town, they may have already gone into assisted living.  We wanted to pull together and help out, but looking back it seems like a case of “no good deed”. I have an internal war about it that I can not make peace with. “I would do anything for them!” “This is too much!” “They deserve our help.” “They are clueless about how much they are asking.” “There are people who do so much more.” “I feel very sorry for those people.” “When they die, I’ll regret not doing more.” “I might die before they do, at this rate.”

How do I do all I can for them but not end up resenting the hell out of both of them and feeling nothing but relief when they die?

Signed,
Guilt Sucks