It's Those Damn Mother-In-Laws Again...
Dearest Bitches,
I come here every Friday to generally roll my eyes at the ridiculous questions and then nod along at each of your answers. I know you get a lot of questions about dealing with mothers-in-law, and now I’m going to jump on the bandwagon, because I’d like to see what young married women like yourselves say.
Here’s the back-story: My fiancé, we’ll call him Stan, and I got engaged about a month ago. We’ve been together for two years. We’ve lived together for most of that time. The first time I met his mother she told me she didn’t approve of us living together. I was able to shrug it off because I believe in our relationship, but Stan later called his mother and berated her for bringing that up to me the first time I met her and not even giving me a chance. They didn’t talk for a week.
Stan was raised very Catholic, in a very tight-knit family, in a blue collar town. All of the extended family lives in the same city and no one ever leaves. We, however, live an hour away.
I was raised by very liberal more white-collar parents. We went to church sometimes, but I’ve never cracked a bible. I wasn’t confirmed or any of that. My parents are of the school of thought that, “As long as you are not doing anything dangerous or illegal and you’re happy, go forth and prosper!” They trust my brothers’ and my common sense completely. When I graduated from college my parents realized they needed to let me go, they were done raising me; they had to trust that they hadn’t screwed up too badly along the way that I couldn’t make it on my own.
This is a concept Stan’s mother has yet to grasp. She still thinks she needs to mother Stan (and not in a good way). Rarely do they have phone conversations where they share happy news, where Stan tells his mother about work, or about something fun we did together. Their conversations revolve around money (nagging him to pay bills, asking him if he’s gotten paid yet, asking if she can transfer money from his account because he owes his parents money), or nagging him about something. The other day she called to remind him to buy a present for his brother’s fiance’s bridal shower. Stan was not actually invited to the shower, I was invited, and I am fully aware that I need to buy a present. So essentially she was calling to have him remind ME!
The final straw was a few days ago. We picked a location and date for our wedding. We were both really excited. When Stan called his mom she said, “Oh.” And then went on to tell him she’s disappointed he’s not getting married in the Catholic church. Stan is not a practicing Catholic, would it not be hypocritical to be married in a church who’s beliefs you do not actually recognize (like his brother is doing)? She showed not an ounce of happiness that Stan had found the person he wants to spend his life with, someone who makes him happy and balances him. Stan was crushed after that conversation.
I believe that there is no other appropriate response to someone’s wedding announcement but to be happy for them, unless you see their partner as a total dirtbag and believe they’d be making the biggest mistake of their lives. I don’t think his mother thinks I’m a dirtbag, so why can’t she just get over it? Is she ever going to see Stan as a responsible adult who makes intelligent decisions; and that our wedding and the decisions we make regarding our wedding have nothing to do with her, and she has every right to feel disappointed, but none to tell us so? Or is this futile, will she always treat him like a child who can’t tie his own shoes?
If you have children on the belief that they are going to be exactly like you and hold all of the same morals and values as you do and never stray, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment, and his mother should have realized this after 25 years of raising kids. In all the times I’ve heard her say she was disappointed in her kids, I would have thought that maybe she would realize she should lower her expectations just a smidge. Stan needs his mother to guide him when he seeks guidance, to give advice when he’s a little lost, not to toll out suggestions and disdain at every turn.
He has tried to discuss this with her many times, and last night he went off on his dad about it. His dad’s response was just to say, “Okay, talk to later!” and hang up. In one ear and out the other. So what do we do to get her to realize she’s done raising him? He’s raised, he’s out there tying his shoes and making responsible decisions every day, one of them being the person he’s chosen to marry. And any poor choices he makes at this point only affect him (and maybe me). How do we get her to treat him like an adult and trust that his decisions are the best for him?
Sign me,
MIL-impaired
Oh. Honey. You have no IDEA what you are getting yourself in to. Now that doesn't mean don't jump in head first. Because Stan, with the exception of his apparent inability to grow a pair and stand up to his mother, sounds like one of the good ones. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up for that. But you should know that my in-laws are the very reason I would never in a million years part with my Caller ID.
I come here every Friday to generally roll my eyes at the ridiculous questions and then nod along at each of your answers. I know you get a lot of questions about dealing with mothers-in-law, and now I’m going to jump on the bandwagon, because I’d like to see what young married women like yourselves say.
Here’s the back-story: My fiancé, we’ll call him Stan, and I got engaged about a month ago. We’ve been together for two years. We’ve lived together for most of that time. The first time I met his mother she told me she didn’t approve of us living together. I was able to shrug it off because I believe in our relationship, but Stan later called his mother and berated her for bringing that up to me the first time I met her and not even giving me a chance. They didn’t talk for a week.
Stan was raised very Catholic, in a very tight-knit family, in a blue collar town. All of the extended family lives in the same city and no one ever leaves. We, however, live an hour away.
I was raised by very liberal more white-collar parents. We went to church sometimes, but I’ve never cracked a bible. I wasn’t confirmed or any of that. My parents are of the school of thought that, “As long as you are not doing anything dangerous or illegal and you’re happy, go forth and prosper!” They trust my brothers’ and my common sense completely. When I graduated from college my parents realized they needed to let me go, they were done raising me; they had to trust that they hadn’t screwed up too badly along the way that I couldn’t make it on my own.
This is a concept Stan’s mother has yet to grasp. She still thinks she needs to mother Stan (and not in a good way). Rarely do they have phone conversations where they share happy news, where Stan tells his mother about work, or about something fun we did together. Their conversations revolve around money (nagging him to pay bills, asking him if he’s gotten paid yet, asking if she can transfer money from his account because he owes his parents money), or nagging him about something. The other day she called to remind him to buy a present for his brother’s fiance’s bridal shower. Stan was not actually invited to the shower, I was invited, and I am fully aware that I need to buy a present. So essentially she was calling to have him remind ME!
The final straw was a few days ago. We picked a location and date for our wedding. We were both really excited. When Stan called his mom she said, “Oh.” And then went on to tell him she’s disappointed he’s not getting married in the Catholic church. Stan is not a practicing Catholic, would it not be hypocritical to be married in a church who’s beliefs you do not actually recognize (like his brother is doing)? She showed not an ounce of happiness that Stan had found the person he wants to spend his life with, someone who makes him happy and balances him. Stan was crushed after that conversation.
I believe that there is no other appropriate response to someone’s wedding announcement but to be happy for them, unless you see their partner as a total dirtbag and believe they’d be making the biggest mistake of their lives. I don’t think his mother thinks I’m a dirtbag, so why can’t she just get over it? Is she ever going to see Stan as a responsible adult who makes intelligent decisions; and that our wedding and the decisions we make regarding our wedding have nothing to do with her, and she has every right to feel disappointed, but none to tell us so? Or is this futile, will she always treat him like a child who can’t tie his own shoes?
If you have children on the belief that they are going to be exactly like you and hold all of the same morals and values as you do and never stray, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment, and his mother should have realized this after 25 years of raising kids. In all the times I’ve heard her say she was disappointed in her kids, I would have thought that maybe she would realize she should lower her expectations just a smidge. Stan needs his mother to guide him when he seeks guidance, to give advice when he’s a little lost, not to toll out suggestions and disdain at every turn.
He has tried to discuss this with her many times, and last night he went off on his dad about it. His dad’s response was just to say, “Okay, talk to later!” and hang up. In one ear and out the other. So what do we do to get her to realize she’s done raising him? He’s raised, he’s out there tying his shoes and making responsible decisions every day, one of them being the person he’s chosen to marry. And any poor choices he makes at this point only affect him (and maybe me). How do we get her to treat him like an adult and trust that his decisions are the best for him?
Sign me,
MIL-impaired
Oh. Honey. You have no IDEA what you are getting yourself in to. Now that doesn't mean don't jump in head first. Because Stan, with the exception of his apparent inability to grow a pair and stand up to his mother, sounds like one of the good ones. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up for that. But you should know that my in-laws are the very reason I would never in a million years part with my Caller ID.I'm not really sure just what it is about mothers and sons. I don't have any brothers and my only experience is with my own mother in law and she TRIES TO MOP MY FLOORS. Granted, I never mop my floors but that doesn't mean that its alright for her to come in there and wave her mop of judgment all about. NO. I do NOT get up at the buttcrack and fix her preshus babee a three course breakfast and NO I don't have dinner on the table when he walks in the door and YES by god I expect him to help me keep the house clean. Were you aware that this makes a person a sub-par wife?
So see? You aren't alone. Mothers-in-law hate us. Those of us who were actually taught that its alright, dare I say ADMIRABLE to make your own way in the world. That when you grow up and become a productive and responsible adult they should be HAPPY and PROUD and RELIEVED that you aren't the guest of a maximum security prison somewhere. No. Apparently... those evil creatures would prefer that their children, specifically their SONS still let them fold their underwear and use the boob for a good bedtime snack.
This isn't a battle you are going to technically "win". But now is the time to plant the seeds necessary for a stalemate. You need to start talking up words like "teamwork" and "united front" and "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WE ARE NOT EVER LIVING NEAR THAT CRAZY NUT" and other such subtle notions. Stand firm on the church thing, this is YOUR day, not hers. No need to be a hypocrite, she thinks you're evil enough already.
I think the coup de grace would be to pull a Charlotte and let the old bag catch you in flagrante delicto. I am thinking that also perhaps you need to leave LOTS of sex toys and condoms and birth control pills laying around. If she's spending all her time praying for your mortal soul maybe she'll be too busy to notice where the wedding is.
OK, first? You are THE EVIL HEATHEN BITCH WHO HAS TAKEN HER BABY AND USED SEX TO STEAL HIM AWAY FROM HER! HUSSY! SLUT! Don't you know this? Mothers and their sons are a PECULIAR BREED altogether. No matter how normal they might look from the outside. That LOVELY BOY that you have FORCED into treating her badly and living inappropriately was the one man she could focus all her love on FOREVER and he would never, ever disappoint her, and YOU took him. You went and fucked the catholic right out of him or else he would get married PROPERLY.
It's not you. We all get it.
Unless we're wise enough to marry an orphan, which is TOTALLY my game plan second time around.
So, bottom line? You're not going to get her to understand ANYTHING. Because SHE DOESN'T WANT TO. She wants him to be her baby and her baby only, and his father? Is smart enough to stay out of it. And all you can do is tolerate it and hope he is good at maintaining boundaries, which so far, he sounds better than most.
How do we married ladies handle this stuff? Heh. I hid in my bathroom and pretended not to be home once. I also make GOOD USE of Caller ID. You know, rational maturity is the plan. Seriously? You put up with it because you love him, and you pitch a fit when it gets really bad, and you get to go buy yourself something to make up for the pain every time you have to go for a visit. You just do the best you can. And pray for the day he decides to write her off on his own. PRAY HARD.
OK, first? You are THE EVIL HEATHEN BITCH WHO HAS TAKEN HER BABY AND USED SEX TO STEAL HIM AWAY FROM HER! HUSSY! SLUT! Don't you know this? Mothers and their sons are a PECULIAR BREED altogether. No matter how normal they might look from the outside. That LOVELY BOY that you have FORCED into treating her badly and living inappropriately was the one man she could focus all her love on FOREVER and he would never, ever disappoint her, and YOU took him. You went and fucked the catholic right out of him or else he would get married PROPERLY.It's not you. We all get it.
Unless we're wise enough to marry an orphan, which is TOTALLY my game plan second time around.
So, bottom line? You're not going to get her to understand ANYTHING. Because SHE DOESN'T WANT TO. She wants him to be her baby and her baby only, and his father? Is smart enough to stay out of it. And all you can do is tolerate it and hope he is good at maintaining boundaries, which so far, he sounds better than most.
How do we married ladies handle this stuff? Heh. I hid in my bathroom and pretended not to be home once. I also make GOOD USE of Caller ID. You know, rational maturity is the plan. Seriously? You put up with it because you love him, and you pitch a fit when it gets really bad, and you get to go buy yourself something to make up for the pain every time you have to go for a visit. You just do the best you can. And pray for the day he decides to write her off on his own. PRAY HARD.
Now a new MOM!!!! She
can't POSSIBLY deal with anyone else's problems right now with her
brand new sleep-draining, shitty-pantsed, constantly ravenous little
angel, CAN SHE NOW? Check up on all the wonderful baby news here. Because you know, bitches love babies.
BJ is right, you are not going to change a mother-in-law. The real key here is your husband. I can understand a guy being torn about a bad relationship with his mom, but if he puts a priority on his wife (meaning: sides with you on important matters), then you are better off than a lot of married women. You can then put your energies into ignoring or avoiding her most of the time.
Posted by: Miss Cellania | May 30, 2007 at 08:24 AM
Yep...and teach your husband to be just like his dad..in one ear and out the other. Just because his "listens" to hear and talks to her, doesn't mean he has to do what she says. Actually, it'd be pretty funny for you all to just agree with her all the time, and then do whatever the hell you were going to do in the first place. Maybe eventually, she'll say "They never listen to me anyway!"
But yeah. I've been married thrice. That means 3 different MILs. Honey, don't even try to change her. They are all different versions of the same MIL. Just smile and nod, and get on with your life.
I do like the idea of letting her find you having sex! Then again, it could be like a friend of mine who woke up, after having sex with her husband, to find her new MIL sitting in a chair at the end of the bed, and who said "Oh good. Are you done? I have breakfast ready!!!" (they aren't married any more. the last straw was when she found the mother and son humping each other in a pool once!)
Posted by: Kelli | May 30, 2007 at 02:27 PM
As long as you know what you're getting yourself into and you're aware of how to deal with this evil woman, you should be just fine. Make sure your hubby-to-be stands up for you, though, unless you're able to put on that selective hearing. Having a hideous mother-in-law is not easy.
I did the marriage thing once. It lasted for 8 years under the hideous inlaw premise, and it wasn't even the mother-in-law being the evil one. It was one of the sisters!!!!
Posted by: Jacq | May 30, 2007 at 04:51 PM
ROFL at BJ's "you fucked the catholic right outta him" comment:) I am actually crying, I am laughing so hard!!!
You guys just made me realize that as a Momma to TWO sons...I am going to be a MIL someday! CRAP!! I hope I can do it without being psychotic...but really...who am I kidding. I am a lunatic in the best of times. Throw a strange girl in the mix, and I'll certainly be thrown right over the edge.
*sigh*
Posted by: justdawn | May 30, 2007 at 11:21 PM
There is no way to change a mother in law - all you can do is present a united front against her.
Posted by: Crazy Lady | June 05, 2007 at 01:59 PM
Good morning, ladies. When do you think you'll be posting something new? We're having bitches withdrawal out here! Love the blog.
Posted by: Mizburd | June 20, 2007 at 05:30 AM