We Three Bitches

It's Those Damn Mother-In-Laws Again...

Dearest Bitches,
I come here every Friday to generally roll my eyes at the ridiculous questions and then nod along at each of your answers. I know you get a lot of questions about dealing with mothers-in-law, and now I’m going to jump on the bandwagon, because I’d like to see what young married women like yourselves say.

Here’s the back-story: My fiancé, we’ll call him Stan, and I got engaged about a month ago. We’ve been together for two years. We’ve lived together for most of that time. The first time I met his mother she told me she didn’t approve of us living together. I was able to shrug it off because I believe in our relationship, but Stan later called his mother and berated her for bringing that up to me the first time I met her and not even giving me a chance. They didn’t talk for a week.

Stan was raised very Catholic, in a very tight-knit family, in a blue collar town. All of the extended family lives in the same city and no one ever leaves. We, however, live an hour away.

I was raised by very liberal more white-collar parents. We went to church sometimes, but I’ve never cracked a bible. I wasn’t confirmed or any of that. My parents are of the school of thought that, “As long as you are not doing anything dangerous or illegal and you’re happy, go forth and prosper!” They trust my brothers’ and my common sense completely. When I graduated from college my parents realized they needed to let me go, they were done raising me; they had to trust that they hadn’t screwed up too badly along the way that I couldn’t make it on my own.

This is a concept Stan’s mother has yet to grasp. She still thinks she needs to mother Stan (and not in a good way). Rarely do they have phone conversations where they share happy news, where Stan tells his mother about work, or about something fun we did together. Their conversations revolve around money (nagging him to pay bills, asking him if he’s gotten paid yet, asking if she can transfer money from his account because he owes his parents money), or nagging him about something. The other day she called to remind him to buy a present for his brother’s fiance’s bridal shower. Stan was not actually invited to the shower, I was invited, and I am fully aware that I need to buy a present. So essentially she was calling to have him remind ME!

The final straw was a few days ago. We picked a location and date for our wedding. We were both really excited. When Stan called his mom she said, “Oh.” And then went on to tell him she’s disappointed he’s not getting married in the Catholic church. Stan is not a practicing Catholic, would it not be hypocritical to be married in a church who’s beliefs you do not actually recognize (like his brother is doing)? She showed not an ounce of happiness that Stan had found the person he wants to spend his life with, someone who makes him happy and balances him. Stan was crushed after that conversation.

I believe that there is no other appropriate response to someone’s wedding announcement but to be happy for them, unless you see their partner as a total dirtbag and believe they’d be making the biggest mistake of their lives. I don’t think his mother thinks I’m a dirtbag, so why can’t she just get over it? Is she ever going to see Stan as a responsible adult who makes intelligent decisions; and that our wedding and the decisions we make regarding our wedding have nothing to do with her, and she has every right to feel disappointed, but none to tell us so? Or is this futile, will she always treat him like a child who can’t tie his own shoes? 

If you have children on the belief that they are going to be exactly like you and hold all of the same morals and values as you do and never stray, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment, and his mother should have realized this after 25 years of raising kids. In all the times I’ve heard her say she was disappointed in her kids, I would have thought that maybe she would realize she should lower her expectations just a smidge. Stan needs his mother to guide him when he seeks guidance, to give advice when he’s a little lost, not to toll out suggestions and disdain at every turn.

He has tried to discuss this with her many times, and last night he went off on his dad about it. His dad’s response was just to say, “Okay, talk to later!” and hang up. In one ear and out the other. So what do we do to get her to realize she’s done raising him? He’s raised, he’s out there tying his shoes and making responsible decisions every day, one of them being the person he’s chosen to marry. And any poor choices he makes at this point only affect him (and maybe me). How do we get her to treat him like an adult and trust that his decisions are the best for him?

Sign me,
MIL-impaired

Oh. Honey.  You have no IDEA what you are getting yourself in to.  Now that doesn't mean don't jump in head first.  Because Stan, with the exception of his apparent inability to grow a pair and stand up to his mother, sounds like one of the good ones.  Two very enthusiastic thumbs up for that.  But you should know that my in-laws are the very reason I would never in a million years part with my Caller ID.

I'm not really sure just what it is about mothers and sons.  I don't have any brothers and my only experience is with my own mother in law and she TRIES TO MOP MY FLOORS.  Granted, I never mop my floors but that doesn't mean that its alright for her to come in there and wave her mop of judgment all about.  NO.  I do NOT get up at the buttcrack and fix her preshus babee a three course breakfast and NO I don't have dinner on the table when he walks in the door and YES by god I expect him to help me keep the house clean.  Were you aware that this makes a person a sub-par wife?

So see?  You aren't alone.  Mothers-in-law hate us.  Those of us who were actually taught that its alright, dare I say ADMIRABLE to make your own way in the world.  That when you grow up and become a productive and responsible adult they should be HAPPY and PROUD and RELIEVED that you aren't the guest of a maximum security prison somewhere.  No.  Apparently... those evil creatures would prefer that their children, specifically their SONS still let them fold their underwear and use the boob for a good bedtime snack.

This isn't a battle you are going to technically "win".  But now is the time to plant the seeds necessary for a stalemate.  You need to start talking up words like "teamwork" and "united front" and "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WE ARE NOT EVER LIVING NEAR THAT CRAZY NUT" and other such subtle notions.  Stand firm on the church thing, this is YOUR day, not hers.  No need to be a hypocrite, she thinks you're evil enough already.

I think the coup de grace would be to pull a Charlotte and let the old bag catch you in flagrante delicto.  I am thinking that also perhaps you need to leave LOTS of sex toys and condoms and birth control pills laying around.  If she's spending all her time praying for your mortal soul maybe she'll be too busy to notice where the wedding is.

OK, first? You are THE EVIL HEATHEN BITCH WHO HAS TAKEN HER BABY AND USED SEX TO STEAL HIM AWAY FROM HER! HUSSY! SLUT! Don't you know this? Mothers and their sons are a PECULIAR BREED altogether. No matter how normal they might look from the outside. That LOVELY BOY that you have FORCED into treating her badly and living inappropriately was the one man she could focus all her love on FOREVER and he would never, ever disappoint her, and YOU took him. You went and fucked the catholic right out of him or else he would get married PROPERLY.
It's not you. We all get it.
Unless we're wise enough to marry an orphan, which is TOTALLY my game plan second time around.

So, bottom line? You're not going to get her to understand ANYTHING. Because SHE DOESN'T WANT TO. She wants him to be her baby and her baby only, and his father? Is smart enough to stay out of it. And all you can do is tolerate it and hope he is good at maintaining boundaries, which so far, he sounds better than most.

How do we married ladies handle this stuff? Heh. I hid in my bathroom and pretended not to be home once. I also make GOOD USE of Caller ID. You know, rational maturity is the plan. Seriously? You put up with it because you love him, and you pitch a fit when it gets really bad, and you get to go buy yourself something to make up for the pain every time you have to go for a visit. You just do the best you can. And pray for the day he decides to write her off on his own. PRAY HARD.

Now a new MOM!!!! She can't POSSIBLY deal with anyone else's problems right now with her brand new sleep-draining, shitty-pantsed, constantly ravenous little angel, CAN SHE NOW? Check up on all the wonderful baby news here. Because you know, bitches love babies.

A Different Kind of Discharge

My husband is due to discharge from the military about a month after my due date. He thinks that, instead of allowing the military to move our things for us, we should have them give us the money and we’ll do the moving.
We will have a month old child. As well as our 2yr old. And I won’t be able to lift anything. And will have to stop every 2 hours. Because of that whole infant thing. Oh, and to prevent blood clots.
My question is, am I allowed to shove him into traffic and use the insurance money to fly us home first class while the military moves our stuff?

Doesn’t Want a U-haul

Honey, that seems like the only logical reaction. Inform him (not politely) that he will be doing ALL of the work by himself. While YOU stand over him and SUPERVISE HIS EVERY MOTION. With lots of criticism. And fragile things that have to be wrapped in newspaper. And then tell him that all that effort supervising will tire you HUGELY and you will need several days afterwards for him to watch the child alone while you rest up. And this means no sex while you're resting. And probably afterward.

It's amazing how a little perspective can persuade them.

Um.  Yes.  I am quite certain that would be a justifiable use of the money.

REALLY?  He REALLY thinks that the two of you are going to do this yourselves?  I am thinking this is the time to pull the trump card and say "Baby.  I realize you've been getting shot at while playing war and whatever but until you've pissed a very large watermelon this just is not your call."

And then before you shove him in the traffic, make him buy you something that sparkles.  Because DAMN.  You've earned it.

Now a new MOM!!!! She can't POSSIBLY deal with anyone else's problems right now with her brand new sleep-draining, shitty-pantsed, constantly ravenous little angel, CAN SHE NOW? Check up on all the wonderful baby news here. Because you know, bitches love babies.

Ring Around the...

I have a dilemma. Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years and about 7-8 months into the relationship he proposed with no ring. Being in love and broke at the time, we decided a ring could wait. One month later, he got orders to Iraq for a year. I was crushed. But we then decided that since we had not formally got engaged with the ring and everything the first time, waiting until he got back would be fine plus I would be able to get the ring of my dreams with the extra money. So now, fast forward a year, he is back and I am happy. We have talked about the engagement and he did promise to get the ring and mentioned it several times, however another month has passed and no ring! I try to explain to him how embarrasing it is to tell people you are engaged with no ring, and he just doesn’t get it. I’ve been more than patient- what do I do?

Signed,
Patiently waiting

OK, first? HE WENT TO IRAQ. It's not exactly a year in MAUI, now is it? Have you considered that his time spent over there might have changed him a bit? That maybe he still WANTS to marry you but has some WAY more serious things in his head and heart to deal with right now? There's been a lot of press about returning personnel and what they're going through, and even if he hasn't shown any outwardly horrible symptoms, that doesn't mean that he never saw anything that didn't scar him for life.

Now, I realize that I am playing devil's advocate here a bit, and he might just be a lazy bum with an adversion to jewelry stores, but I have to think if everything was all gung-ho before he want and it's not now that he's back, something has changed. WAR can do that.

I think a serious talk with him is in order. And when you do it, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES get all weepy and self-pitying if he tells you he needs time- GIVE HIM THAT TIME if you love him. He was in place where they can cut off your head on TV if they catch you... cut, clarity and color are probably pretty far down on his list. He might also not have funds to do it yet and is embarassed to tell you since you planned it before... Basically, give the man a chance to explain to you before you get all worked up.

Because let's face it, a good man for life is a way better prize than a diamond.

Did I just say that? Shit.

Is the no-sex clause useful here?  I completely understand your dilemma.  I was briefly engaged without a ring but he had bought me a house.  And while I couldn't wear it on my finger, I considered that a whole hell of a lot better.  You know... until I was actually looking down at a diamond.  Two carats will go a long way to make a girl forget the importance of a roof of her own.

I am thinking that it is time to enlist a few allies.  First?  Your friends.  They should heckle him mercilessly.  Your second ally?  A kibosh on the wedding plans.  Don't move forward with them until your left hand stops traffic.  You've waited long enough.

Have I mentioned there is a downside to all of this?  There is.  Its the possibility of him resenting you for pushing for the actual ring  But maybe he has a plan, you know?  Maybe he's planning a big surprise with hearts and flowers and gumdrops and unicorns and truckloads of diamonds.  If he is, you're going to feel like shit.  I'm sorry but you are.  However, the chances of that are slim because boys are stupid and generally unromantic and you should throw rocks at them.

I defer to my original no-sex response.  Sometimes you have to go with your gut.

Now a new MOM!!!! She can't POSSIBLY deal with anyone else's problems right now with her brand new sleep-draining, shitty-pantsed, constantly ravenous little angel, CAN SHE NOW? Check up on all the wonderful baby news here. Because you know, bitches love babies.

"Wrong Number" Might Not Be the Best Approach, but Then Again...

Hello dears,
I was just wondering if there’s any polite way to tell a friend’s mother to quit calling me. This friend of mine is 24, and every time she can’t locate him, she calls me and all of his other friends. It makes me feel like his damn babysitter and frankly, I think it’s kind of ridiculous that she feels the need to check up on him all the time. Granted, he is bi-polar and has done some crazy shit in the past, so I can see why she would worry sometimes. However, I am not his answering service or his nanny, and if she really wants to keep tabs on him she should buy him a cell phone or make him get a job and buy his own friggin’ cell phone. That’s right, he’s unemployed and lives at home--that’s a whole other thing, though. I’m not his friend because he’s incredibly responsible, I’m his friend because he’s fun and loyal and we have thought-provoking conversations. I just wish his mother would cut the damn cord already, or leave his friends out of her constant worrying. I don’t know how to tell her all this without offending her though--and I really don’t want to offend her. Aside from the calling thing, she’s actually a really nice lady.

Thanks a mil,
No speaky English, wrong number!

Repeat after me.  "Look lady.  I realize you think your son isn't competent enough to find his asshole in a shitstorm but I'm not your own personal lo-jack."

Also?  Quit answering your damn phone when she calls.

Shit. PChef took my answer. Now I have to be the nice one.

I do have to give some sympathy to the fact that she's worried about him because of his condition. Anything could be going on at any time, and his reactions might not be proper or even safe. Mothers can get VERY protective and worried, and that's just part of being a mother. But that doesn't make all of the rest of you responsible for him at all times.

Here's a plan of attack for you to try next time she calls (You're going to be REALLY PROUD of my diplomatic skills here. I am. And a bit shocked, honestly. DAMMIT, PChef...):
"You know, I get concerned about whats-his-name, too, when I can't reach him, so I can only imagine what it's like for you. But honestly, most of the time, I have no idea where he is, and when I tell you that, I feel like it worries you even worse. Maybe you should get him a cell phone or a beeper with one of the always-active GPS trackers in it like they advertise for children so you can check where he is online if you get really worried. He won't like it, but maybe if you make a deal with him to let you know where he is with the phone so you won't use the tracker, everyone could be happy."

Now a new MOM!!!! She can't POSSIBLY deal with anyone else's problems right now with her brand new sleep-draining, shitty-pantsed, constantly ravenous little angel, CAN SHE NOW? Check up on all the wonderful baby news here. Because you know, bitches love babies.

National Lampoon's European Relation... ship.

I met my boyfriend (Bob) in summer 2004 while we were both interning in Switzerland. It was a connection at first sight. We both had significant others at the time, so when we parted ways, we stayed in touch but both went back to our boyfriend and girlfriend. We began to talk and email, so I proceeded to break up with my boyfriend. Feelings of guilt overcame me because I was very much in love with another and we had so many relationship problems that I needed to call it quits.

Bob (my current boyfriend), came to visit me right before he left for Europe again to go and live with his girlfriend (who is from Europe). I was leaving too. There was physical and emotional contact, and then he left.

So now he is in Europe and I am about to leave to go and travel (literally, I had my backpack on and was going to the airport) and he calls and tells me that he loves me. Now at this time this was hard to hear. Here I had know what we had was special and had broken up with my boyfriend and he was living with this girl and calling me to tell me that he loved me! This of course threw me for a loop, so on Valentines day, which was a week or two into traveling, I was little tipsy. Okay a lot tipsy and I called him to say that I was thinking about him on Valentines Day, blah blah blah.

Before this, he had told me I should go to Rome and live with him and that he would break it off with his current girlfriend. I told him I would go wherever to be with him. During this Valentines conversation, he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think it would be a good idea to talk anymore. It seemed he wanted to be with her and that talking to me was just making matters worse. So lose all contact at this point. I was fed up, needed to move on, and so I did.

Fast forward to the summer, he comes back from Europe and I am back in San Francisco. He tells me that they have broken up and that it is over and he comes to visit me for a couple of weeks. By this time, I was over it and was dating a number of guys and living the single life. At first when he came I was cold and unresponsive, my heart had gotten toyed with too much and I wasn't going to let him come in so easy. Things ended up working themselves out and we talked over our feelings and then started to date. Long distance. It was slow moving but we started to see each other once a month for about a year until he finished his degree in CT. The long distance was starting to wear on me, him and our relationship. So I gave the speech, you either make a decision to move here or we have to call it quits. So in June of 2006, he made the move to San Francisco and got his own place. He then moved in with me and now we share a room and the rent. So here we are today, living together in an apartment. This is the background information that I think is important to understand the history...

Now another important thing to note is that he is two years younger than I am. This at first didn't seem like such a big problem because in many, many ways he is very mature and actually is a great listener. And we are working on our  "issues" etc. etc. So what are my concerns...

He won't say I love you, he says, "I like you a lot" but says that he will say I love you when he is ready to have babies when I ask him why he won't say it. I want to be loved. Not liked. I think about this a lot and he has said it before, probably 3 separate times but won't say it to me on a semi-regular basis. I also feel like this is his way of keeping space so our relationship isn't so serious. But I think relationships need to take steps, Why won't he say it to me now, Now that we live together, are together?

Here is my problem/question, recently I have checked his email. Now I know this isn't something I should be doing and I know this is "torture" to myself. I have read emails that he sometimes sends to his ex-girlfriend and an assortment of other girls that have been in his life. This makes me concerned. It makes me want to talk to all of those guys that I have disregarded or at least kept very limited contact with in my life because I know they don't just want to be friends. To make matters worse, he says things like "peace and amore" and love and what not. Also, I have gotten pretty deep in the emails and find that he flirted with other girls and from what it seems hooked up with other girls while he was with his ex-girlfriend, and I know this can be true because he hooked up with me while with her. Now, I haven't found anything too alarming such as this during his time dating me. But what makes me different then his ex?

I know this is lengthy and probably a bit crazy but any feedback you have would be greatly appreciated.
Needing guidance

NOTHING makes you any different from his ex. Except maybe height, weight, bra size, DNA, etc. But how you will end up? You're two peas in a shitty-relationship pod.

After having read NUMEROUS questions where someone went snooping to find out something about their partners, I have come to the conclusion that if everything is OK, people don't feel compelled to do that. I don't like it and don't think it's OK, but I'm not surprised by how many people do it. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you feel the need to do that?

You already knew the score- you were just looking for evidence to try and prove to yourself you were wrong. But you weren't, were you? He's a shit, he's not very mature despite what you say, and you're wasting your time. Mature people don't do this- they stay with someone faithfully if they love them, and they move on when they don't. SELFISH people try to have it both ways, because hell, it's fun to have someone adore you while you run around doing what you like to who you like.

Don't be that girl. PLEASE.

He won't say that he loves you because HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Ok, let that sink in a minute. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. He might like you a lot, but do you really want to be using all this energy on LIKE?

You wouldn't invest $500 in a pair of shoes that didn't fit right, so why invest your future in a relationship that doesn't fit right? Trade in Mr. Payless flip-flops IMMEDIATELY. Jimmy Choo could be waiting around the corner.

All too often I think that men overlook the need that we have to be reassured about our relationships.  Whether it comes in the form of a sincere "I love you" or just some sweet gesture, that is something that most all women crave.  I'm probably not supposed to say that, but its true so I am.  I don't know what kind of relationship he had with previous girlfriends and I'm not going to speculate.  But I will speculate on one thing that could possibly explain his behavior at one point but certainly not now.

When he finally called you and told you that we wanted to be with you, you didn't respond for a couple of weeks.  Which is, I think, completely understandable.  You had already taken a big risk and he didn't immediately reciprocate.  Why should you drop everything and go running when he called?  But the boys... the have woefully short memories and narrow vision when it comes to things like that.  So in his mind perhaps this relationship started with a strike already against you and him being afraid you were going to hurt him "again".  He is wrong.  He is being a pansy-ass and you should pinch him very hard.  But for a brief moment, its an explanation.

But not anymore.  He isn't going to tell you he loves you until he's ready to have children?  This guy is FUCKED. UP. and a little damaged too.  Does he honestly think that a woman would consider having children with a man who isn't even able to tell her he's in love with her?  He needs therapy.

And about that therapy... maybe you should both go.  Because you have some serious trust and boundry issues.  It is NOT ALRIGHT to break into his email unless you have hard evidence that you are looking for something specific.  Like... you saw his purchase for a mail order bride on your credit card statement.  That?  Would totally be cause for a little espionage.  But as it is, you are only looking for a way out of the relationship.  If you aren't happy and if you don't think he's the one for the long haul then why are you wasting your time?  Don't look for an excuse.  If you are done then you are done.  He at least deserves your honesty about it.

Now a new MOM!!!! She can't POSSIBLY deal with anyone else's problems right now with her brand new sleep-draining, shitty-pantsed, constantly ravenous little angel, CAN SHE NOW? Check up on all the wonderful baby news here. Because you know, bitches love babies.

If a Banana's a Turd, There's a Real Problem

Hi ladies-

I don’t even know if this is something I should be sticking my nose into, but I have a tendency to want to avoid future social ills if at all possible, so I feel compelled to ask for advice on if/how to approach some friends who seem to be fucking up big time.  My husband and I have known the husband of this couple for years - like, 20.  He married his wife about 7 years ago and we really like her and consider her a friend, too.  They live far away so we only see them maybe once a year, and always when we visit them. They have only visited us once and they drove the 4 hours back home that night, frankly, I think because they are absolutely huge and can’t sleep anywhere but their own big-ass, reinforced bed.  The husband is pushing 500 lbs. and the wife is probably around 300.  She’s younger than 30 and has type 2 diabetes.

We recently visited them and ever since I’ve been feeling like I need to do some colonblow and eat fruit for awhile.  Every time we see them it is a total meat and carb-fest.  The only vegetable they know is ketchup. The wife makes meatballs the size of oranges.  They are eating themselves to death. Normally, I would be sad about this for them but think it is their problem and not really feel compelled to say anything.

The problem I have is that they feed their two little boys shit.  I don’t think these boys have ever eaten a piece of fruit or a vegetable in their lives.  I brought some bananas the last time we visited and the oldest boy ran around the kitchen screaming “yuck” as if I was eating a turd.  They eat pancakes with chocolate chips and syrup for breakfast and they drink soda all day long.  Lunch is a hamburger or some fried nuggety crap and dinner is the aforementioned meat-fest.  I have seen the youngest boy eat an entire chocolate easter bunny when he was 1 year old and I have seen the oldest boy drink half a bottle of ranch dressing.

Now the real problem is not just that these kids, who are currently skinny, are going to be ginormous like their parents, but that they have some serious behavioral problems.  Actually, I think it’s mostly the older one. I am no doctor, but this kid has got to have ADD.  He is 7 and has never slept in his own bed.  He is constantly whining and manipulating everyone around him, he can’t sit still for 2 seconds, and he drools all over the place because he can’t even keep his frigging mouth closed.  He eats sugar all day long with the 4 televisions blaring in their house (my god, they keep the TVs on all the time and turned up full volume - I don’t understand it).  I think a lot of his behavior is due to his environment and that he could probably be okay, or better, if they would take out the soda IV.

The poor younger boy seems like a sweet kid and doesn’t seem to have developed the attention problems his older brother has.  He does, however, have to deal with his brother’s tyranny over the house and his brother constantly hitting and kicking him.  When we were at their house, I actually kept having to tell his brother to stop hitting him because everyone was ignoring them.  Sadly, this made the younger boy seem to really like me and he wanted me to stay longer at their house.

So, the parents seem to not notice anything is wrong.  They just let their boys have their way and they don’t ever step in and actually act like parents.  Is there any way that I can somehow do or say something that could make any kind of difference in this situation?  I don’t want to come off as some granola-y bitch who thinks she’s perfect and should solve everyone’s problems, but MY GOD!  This situation is so obviously fucked up.

We are myspace friends, so maybe I could post some bulletins about possible connections between poor nutrition and attention deficit problems. Damn, I don’t want to come off as that preachy and I don’t honestly think they’d even notice something like that unless I came right out and talked to
them about it.

Thanks for the advice.  Keep being bitchin’ bitches.

-Not really as nosy as I sound, honest!

I believe you when you say that you aren't as nosy as you sound.  This is a potentially dangerous situation for these kids and most definitely a volatile one should you decide to become involved.  OBVIOUSLY, something is horribly wrong.  Your friends are committing slow suicide and they are taking their children down with them.

Let's be very clear and upfront about one thing right off the bat.  If you DO take any sort of action, this friendship is over.  They will not forgive you.  But it sounds like perhaps you're frustrated with the friendship anyway so maybe that's not such a big deal?  I won't even try and pretend to tell you that this something that I know the rules on.  You could approach them first but I'm kind of thinking that won't accomplish anything and would actually damage the chances of these kids getting help.

I don't know if there are anonymity guidelines when you make a report and if you are like... afraid they will come sit on you or something then I guess you could keep yourself anonymous if its an option.  But chances are that if YOU know its a problem, someone else does too and they are also struggling with whether or not to say something.  Just don't still be struggling when it becomes too late for those kids.  Unless they change their ways drastically, it may already be too late for the parents.

You need to contact someone, and fast!  The lives of those two children are more than worth losing a friendship.

You're not nosy. Let me get this out of the way. As human beings, we are conditioned to look out for and have sympathy for the young. It's natural.

Too bad your friends didn't get a dose of it.

I'm with PChef- call Child Welfare (and the rest of her answer). With their backlog, I don't know how much they can do, but it's worth a try. I mean, "overeating" might be lower on the list than "burning with hot crackpipe," but it's a start. This is honestly so mind-blowing that I don't really have any other suggestions, apart from you going and getting the younger child and taking him home with you. From the sound of it, they might not even notice.

Now I'm just pissed that these people actually managed to reproduce. Dammit. Keanu was SO right in Parenthood.

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.

Whine, Bitch and Complain

My boyfriend of 3 years, who I live with (and love very much) started graduate school in January.  Since he began he has done nothing but complain.  As soon as we wake up in the morning he begins huffing and griping about how much work he has to do.  Then he’s home again at 6pm, stomping around the house and complaining that the computer is slow.  I’ve tried everything to be supportive, helpful, sensitive--but nothing is working.  Should I just ignore him and do my own thing?

Thanks bitches!

Sara

Oh, I just hate that. Mine gets into a funk every once in a while where he does nothing but complain and whine and point out things negatively and it drives me bonkers. Because while I am not the eternal optimist, I do usually feel that if you don't like something, fucking CHANGE IT ALREADY.

First, point out to him what he's doing and what a BORE it is to listen to. Keep in mind that he might just not be cut out for the pressure, and mention that to him. If he keeps it up after that, counter EVERY complaint with a solution- for example "This computer is too slow!" should be met with "Then either get an upgrade, invest in a new one or learn to tolerate it." Remind him that wallowing in something does not EVER fix it.

That works around my house. Maybe it will for you, too. If it doesn't? Suggest a therapist- if he knows he's doing it and that it bothers you and he continues to do it, there might be some depression/anxiety/etc. issues he needs help with, especially if this just started with the schooling.

Honestly?  You need to just tell him to shut the hell up. The thing about graduate school is this... its OPTIONAL.  He CHOSE to pursue it.  And its costing someone (him?  you?  his parents?) a hell of a lot of money.  So if he doesn't want to do it, he needs to get out now and stop wasting time and money.  But if its something he really wants then he needs a kick in the head.  Because unless he changes his attitude about the whole mess, he's wasting a LOT of opportunites and perhaps someone's space in the class who wants to be there a little mores than he does.

So I say speak up.  Tell him he's being a bitch about a situation that he has complete control over.  He needs to shut up and work or drop out.  Its his choice but you aren't going to listen to his shit any longer.

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.

I Think in Court, This Might Be Called "Hearsay"

Hey ladies,
I just wanted to check to see if you, in your bitchy wisdom, agree with some advice I gave a friend.
This friend recently confided in me, saying she doesn’t feel sexually attracted to her boyfriend anymore, and wants to take a break from him. They’ve lived together for 2 years after being apart for 2 years (they first dated in high school). I’ve known both of them the whole time they were together, with the exception of the 2 years after high school when all three of us lost touch. I’ve always known them to get along really well, which was confirmed in what she said: she feels like he is her best friend, but has platonic feelings for him only. Before she revealed this I, like all of their mutual friends, believed they would be getting married sometime in the near future.

I told her that she can’t really force herself to feel something that just isn’t there, and if she needs to take that break she should. I also made sure to ask if she wasn’t merely depressed or overly stressed and experiencing a low sex drive as a result, and she’s pretty sure it’s not that. I stressed that by no means should she marry him before working this out, as sex is pretty damn important in a marriage. She’s less worried about whether or not she’ll want to get back with him once they break up, and more worried their friendship will disappear with their romantic relationship. I told her that if the friendship is strong enough it could withstand the breakup, but also to not be surprised if he took a long time to get over this and get to a point where he even wanted to see her again. He had already recently wondered aloud to me and another friend about their lack of a sex life, which I told her so she would know that he knows that all is not hunky dory with them. I told her this was really going to be difficult and sad and all of that, but it’s necessary if it means being true to how she really feels.

Did I give her the advice you fine young ladies would have given if she’d written in? Is there anything I should have added, or did I say anything wrong? I really value your opinions on things, as the advice you’ve given to other people here has always seemed so...right on.

Thanks honey bunnies,
Trying to Help My Buddies

I would say you pretty well nailed it.  Marriage is tricky because eventually, it all becomes very blurred with friendship.  I'm not saying that as a depressing statement because I don't think it is.  Why would you want to spend, ideally, the rest of your life with someone you didn't have a sincere friendship with?

But on the flip side of that... a marriage needs passion.  It needs heat.  Because at the end of the day if you aren't anything other than the best of friends who kiss each other good night on the cheek and then roll over what's the point?  I think its great that your friend does at least see the value of the friendship.  But you were right on cue with telling her that this will probably break his heart.  UNLESS he's feeling the same thing and isn't willing to admit it either.

So you did well young grasshopper.  Maybe one day we'll let you guest star...

Ummm, what exactly did you need US for? That was perfect.

Now, to be in true bitch style, you needed to say "fuck" at least 3 times and make at least 2 arcane references to pop culture, but other than that, well played, sweetie. And that guest star thing isn't such a bad idea... Practice your swearing and read US Weekly and get back to us.

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.

Another One Where We Might Not Be So Bitchy

Hi bitches. I am so glad I found a place I can confide in and get some real answers. Some of these agony aunts (unlike you sassy ladies) give such neutral, on-the- fence spiel that I find I am more confused afterward.

Ok, here is the long story. I am sure you have to edit it down, but to get your help, I have to give you an accurate picture.

I have been married nine years. We met online where we fell in love with each other’s mind and when we met it was wonderful but we weren’t exactly chemically sexually crazy about each other. But we were great friends and sex was fairly good. I moved here from another continent. But the sex part quickly faded to tolerable. The stress of a new life with no job and little money, the stress of sex every day when I had been celibate for two years prior (although I was a bit of slut before my self-imposed celibacy). Perhaps I was allergic to his semen as I used to feel a burning sensation after sex. He wasn’t very good at turning me on either and didn’t using lubrication despite my requests. Maybe the burning sensation is from my being dry. Anyway, after 5-6 years we were having sex maybe 10 times a year. Then I got pregnant. We had sex once during the pregnancy and never since then - my kid is almost three.

So sex life faded, we were still buddies (or so I thought), and we had a kid. When the baby came, he lost his job and was depressed. I was exhausted as I had a new baby, most of the housework, and a demanding job. He felt I neglected him and he needed extra TLC. I felt he wasn’t facing up to his new dad responsibilities. We clashed on parenting styles. Then my mom came to help us with the baby and stayed a whole year. He felt ousted and neglected. He hinted to me but I was too busy and too tired and too angry to notice. I wish I did. But no use crying over spilt milk.

After my mom left, he took over full-time parenting and is a phenomenal father. I tried to initiate sex but was rebuffed many times. He later told me that he longer felt any sexual attraction for me. He doesn’t even feel like kissing and cuddling me in an intimate manner. The kisses are perfunctory morning kisses and the cuddles are initiated by me.

At my urging, we had been going for couples counseling. After 6 sessions, he dropped out saying that the therapist was siding with me. I then set him up with another therapist for himself alone, but after 3 sessions, he said she wasn’t attentive enough. Now I am seeing the first therapist on my own.

Then I found pictures of a woman taken with our camera. Phone bills shows lots of long calls to her, everyday. He had met a woman over the Internet. They had gone to the zoo with my kid. I don’t know what else they did, but there was definitely romantic involvement. I knew he chatted people but felt it was harmless as he needed adult conversation when at home all day with a two year old. But I didn’t expect romantic liaisons. After I confronted him, he said he no longer loved me the way a man loves his wife. I begged him to evaluate our marriage and try to fix the problems. I apologize for neglecting him and taking him for granted. I am dominating and detached while he is passive and needy. I promised to change - be a better parent, less critical and try to be a happier person.

It took him a few weeks to commit to work on our marriage. It hurt me really badly to see him pine for her. That was in December. Then in March, I saw him use an old cordless phone that he had told me doesn’t work right. I hit the redial button and found the number of that woman. I hadn’t checked our phone statements and when I did, I found he called her 1-2 hours every day except Sunday. I was actually trembling and nauseous as I reviewed the phone statements. Because he is a good person and not typically deceitful, the situation seems even more dire. I felt that my marriage is at the end. I don’t get a chance to change enough to make him happy; it’s over.

But he said he wouldn’t chat her again or call. That was two weeks ago. He hasn’t called her, not according to the phone bills, but he may have emailed her, who knows?

The point is when a man says he loves his wife but no longer loves her and cannot feel sexual interest for her for three years, is there hope for the spark to be rekindled? My therapist says it’s unlikely but I can’t walk out the door unless I know for sure. My husband hasn’t been able to find a job, so he is unlikely to leave. Moreover, he wants to keep the house no matter what.

As for myself, I don’t know if I love my husband any more. I was in love with him at the beginning, and I feel I still love him but in a different way. I crave emotional and physical intimacy with him. We hardly talk or spend time together except as parents. I am hardly interested in his hobbies and he is not interested in my work tales. And I am practically salivating over any decent looking guy with his shirt off. I am so desperate I am fantasizing about swing club sex and sex with 2-3 men at a time. This is a side of me I never knew before.

I had never had an orgasm in sex in my entire 39 years. I did not once masturbate in my entire marriage until last year when, driven by pent up needs, I had orgasmed in my sleep several times, waking up clutching my groin in pleasure, pain and fear. I bought a dildo and some vibrators and since then I’ve had weekly orgasms.

I always thought that my husband had a low sex drive. But apparently he has a healthy drive, just not for me. I still think he has a lower drive than average - he said once that he masturbated a couple times a month. He is very conservative and shy sexually.

Should I keep working on our marriage or am I beating a dead horse?

He thinks I am too hasty. He feels that it will take time for him to heal, to feel something for me again, but he cannot promise that it will happen. He feels I need to be more patient. I feel that there are no promises in life, sure, but since we have confronted our problem marriage middle of last year, I don’t feel him desire any closeness with me, whether emotionally or physically. How would you like to sleep for years in a bed with a man who doesn’t kiss or cuddle you before bed and when he wakes up? He is a very affectionate and touchy feely person by nature, but just not toward me anymore. Maybe I bring out the stranger in him, because I am not emotionally in tune with his needs and I am too bossy and naggy. I am trying to change, but it feels like my changes have not made a dent in how he feels.

Yes, you must get zillions of letters, and when by the time this letter is published, I might have left him and slept with the first available score of men. And oh, in case you wonder if my looks changed during the marriage, no, I look quite good for my age and am very toned. It’s not the looks; it’s how I make him feel.

Confused

I am HOPING you have already left him and had some meaningless sex that made your toes curl. You know, since we've been a bit distracted lately and all. Every woman DESERVES that, hopefully from her spouse, but when the passion isn't there, it's just not there.

Now, I could cut him some slack except for one thing you mentioned. He took your child along.
DEAL BREAKER.
No child should be exposed to that at any age. EVER. And he did it because he put his needs first and the kid was a tagalong. That puts him in sorry-sack-of-shit range in my mind. He put this woman ahead of his child's well-being. That is NOT the kind of father you want.

So while I am usually in the "stay together if you can for the child" group, not in this case. You have endured FAR too much already and deserve so much better. I give you tons of credit for sticking with it THIS long. Now is when you say "ENOUGH."

And one thing. When he's gone and you're getting those toe-curling moments? Only do it when your child is with dad or someone else- don't bring that into your kid's life. He already did, and your child needs at least one stable parent who doesn't put getting their rocks off first.

My heart breaks for you reading this.  I am so incredibly sorry, you must be in so much pain.  I think the best thing to do is to just be honest and to do it quickly.  Like a bikini wax.

I think he's having an affair.  I think he is unable to see you as anything other that the mother of his child.  I think he's not happy that this has happened but he's resigned himself to it.  So perhaps it would be best if this marriage ended while you are still on terms that would make things easier on your child.

You should NOT have to go through life without passion.  Without orgasms (can you even believe what you were missing?).  All marriages have dry spells, that is completely normal.  I've lived through one and I thought my world was ending.  But we worked it out and the passion returned.  Slightly differently as we had both changed a little but that is the way it happens.

But I don't think that is what will happen here.  I think you have both emotionally checked out of this, him more so than you.  And it is with a heavy head and heart that I tell you I think you should leave but with every ounce of my being I think that is what you should do.  As you say, he will not leave because he does not have a job and he is dependant on you.  Of course he says he thinks you are being hasty, look at what you are threatening to take away from him.  But you are not being rash or overly dramatic.  It is so obvious that you have examined this from every possible angle and you have made efforts.  He has not reciprocated.

People will probably criticize me for telling you to leave.  But I unequivically think you should.  There is far too much in life that is wonderful and beautiful for you to spend your life and your child's life unhappy.

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.

And What Exactly Was Your Question?

My husband and I met when we were in our late 30s. We wasted no time having babies. My first came at 38, my second born less than 2 yrs later at 40. So, here I am, 40, out of shape, with two babies under the age of two. A tough row to hoe, no matter what your age. Of course, being that he is a male, DH could not understand why his castle was no longer neat and tidy and why his wife was no longer a neatnik who could whip up dinner for four with nary a splash on the brand new appliances. Eight years of complaining about dirty dishes from the comfort of his recliner -- I finally said “Do them yourself. I no longer do the dishes.” I haven’t washed a dish since October 2006.

His new rant, now that kitchen cleaning is his beat? “You are such a slob in the kitchen, you’re the sloppiest cook I have ever known.” This from a guy who has mold growing in his shower and chews on his toenails. Guess what? I said, “Fine, you are now the cook.” I haven’t cooked in a week. You would’a thunk he learned to keep his mouth shut the first time. His beloved recliner and remote have been very lonely the last few days. Think I should sell them on Ebay?

Um.  Yes.

Boys are stupid.  Throw rocks at them.

And guess what, if you are feeling under appreciated and taken advantage of then just tell him.  Don't say "Fine... you do it".  Say "Look asshole.  I work very hard around here to keep things running.  Its about damn time you appreciated it."  Because just having to do dishes or cook isn't going to give him the picture.  Its that you do those things WHILE BALANCING parenting with them.

And really?  He chews on his toenails and you are letting him cook?

Maybe you should sell HIM on eBay.
I hear the same thing, actually. I have only done dishes a few times in the 18 years we have been together, and that's only when he's been out of town, and yes, I hear the "you're a REALLY messy cook" thing every once in a while. Which is usually when I threaten to stab him with whatever utensil I happen to be holding.

Also? When I need to send a reminder about how time-consuming a kid can be? Every answer becomes "Go ask Daddy." VERY EFFECTIVE. Or even tell the kids to "go help Daddy."
Then go sit in his recliner, pick up the remote, and give him your best winning smile.

Seriously, a talk is in order here. Criticizing each other and going on strike isn't going to help- that's just cumulative. Maybe have a chat about being critical or each other and about acceptance that when so much is going on, some things are going to slide. Promise him a clean kitchen with a fabulous meal in 18 years, and tell him to get over it.

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.