My husband of almost 20 years and I have figured out how to be happy. The first years were rough sometimes and I’m glad that part’s over. But we slip back to our old ways now and then. Which brings me to why I’m writing.
In our early years together, we didn’t make much money. But we didn’t feel the need to spend much either, so it was fine. We even saved enough to buy a small house and a better car. We continued to save. My job required me to leave the house before the sun was up. His job had sweet hours and he could sleep in and still get home before I did because he was still in school and only working part-time. Then he was working part-time, but had given up on school just short of getting his master’s degree. That was a huge problem for me because of all the time and money wasted. I also thought he should get another job / work full time. But we were saving 50% of our combined income, so I didn’t push. Besides, he did the cooking and cleaning. It worked well for both of us.
Fast forward several years. We have our first child and we are suddenly and completely overwhelmed with the need to keep him home with us. At first, we figured I would go back to work while my husband stayed home. We tried that. All you working moms who nurse are superhuman. It was hell. After a month of pumping at work and getting very little milk and rushing home to nurse and getting up in the wee hours to nurse, we supplemented with formula....and I also looked up and said “Uh....how about YOU go work and I stay home with the nursing baby.” My job didn’t pay enough to justify the cost of childcare. But my husband still had a low paying job, too. So he decided to pursue another career. It had much more earning potential, but the first years would be very lean. We figured that it would take maybe 3 years to start seeing some profits.
3 years later, with growing debt and baby #2 now on the way, I wanted to find a bigger house. The 3 of us were a tight fit in the house as it was.
We moved. Debt grew. We both wanted me to continue to stay home with the kids. We were willing to make any sacrifice. We did without things like new clothes, shoes, haircuts and subscriptions to newspapers and magazines. We kept the old car. We lived with no living or dining room furniture. If it meant that the kids could stay home with us, we didn’t care.
When the youngest was old enough to go to pre-school and we couldn’t afford to send him, I got a job at the pre-school which didn’t pay much but meant that our child could attend for free. After a while, I picked up 2nd part-time job, too. When the youngest entered kindergarten, I went back to my original job and kept the 2nd job so that we could pay down all of the credit card debt, which was now almost $40,000. My husband continued to under earn but wouldn’t change careers because he was convinced that it would eventually pay off. Well, it took almost 8 years (hence the huge amount of debt) but his business finally took off and he started making the money we had hoped he would be making year 3. It’s too little too late, but the business is still growing and he
likes this line of work.
Today we are still in the hole to the tune of about $17,000. But here’s the problem: I have reached the end of my ability to scrimp and save. I want furniture. I want to paint. I want a goddamn haircut. And my husband is FREAKING OUT. Suddenly, I don’t “share his values.” I went to the furniture store and found what I want. The no interest monthly payments are less than 1/6th of my monthly take-home pay. I don’t want to have to keep throwing every extra penny into the debt hole. I want something to show for working at a challenging job, even though it’s a job I do enjoy. I am now in my 40s. I feel I have postponed gratification long enough. My feeling is that he was chronically underemployed for too long, and that this debt is the result of that. I’m not going to carelessly plunge us into financial ruin....but I would like some effin’ furniture. However, he is being such a jerk about it that I don’t even know if I could enjoy it at this point. Should I go ahead anyway? I don’t think I’m being unreasonable...but if I am, please point out how. And if I’m not, and I buy the furniture, then how do I deal with the martyrdom that is sure to follow? I don’t think this is worth busting up a 20 year marriage, but I don’t want to live like this any more either. WWTBD (What Would Three Bitches Do)??
Signed,
Not getting any younger
First of all... HOT DAMN you are a far more patient woman than I would have been. Now that I've got that off my chest let me tell you what I think of your quandry. I don't think its really the new stuff you want. Yes, we all want nice, new things. Yes we all need haircuts and pretty shoes. And you have worked your ass off while spending years pouring every cent back into what you were starting to become frightened was an endless pit of dept and sacrifice. My teeth itch and my hair hurts just thinking about the stress you have spent the past years living in.
And are you being unreasonable? Nope. I don't think you are at all. Is he overreacting with this whole "not sharing the same values" thing? Hell yes he is. Your husband is a damn drama queen.
But here's the thing. I think now that his business is finally doing what you thought it would years ago, you are finally allowing the resentment you've let build and fester for years and years bubble to the surface. You obviously blame him for the sacrifices you have made for your family because you felt he could have taken a job that would have prevented them. I completely understand and I don't think that's unwarranted. But I want to suggest an alternative.
Treat yourself to a massage, a facial, hell a whole spa day. You have MORE than earned it and good lord, at this point you could probably get a marriage therapist to write you a prescription for a little long overdue TLC. But hold off on the furniture until after. He IS being a jerk about it and I think you should tell him exactly where to stuff it. But don't just show up with the furniture. While my general mantra for marriage survival is "'Tis far better to ask forgivness than permission" I don't know how well that one applies when you are talking about several thousand dollars in furniture. I apply that one to things like... shoes.
You DESERVE that new furniture. No question. You have sacrificed for too long. But is that furniture worth driving an even larger wedge in a marriage that is already chock-full of unspoken resentment? Take my word for it... a hot stone massage, a seaweed body wrap and some shiny red toes will tide you over for a bit. He owes you at least that much instant gratification. Better to look smoking hot for the negotiations than have him come home to a dining room full of constant reminders that you couldn't agree on something...
Having been on the EXTREME budget for many years myself, I TOTALLY get what you're saying. I really do. There's something to be said for finally not having to walk to the clearance racks first or see what's 75% off or buying the store brand or sitting on a couch that came from your mother-in-law's basement that reliably sticks you in the ass with a spring every time you sit down.
Basically, you ARE NOT WRONG.
In my world, money is something to use to get what you need first and what you enjoy second, as long as you have a little put away for emergencies. Hoarding it does not make happiness, and neither does spending it all- the trick is BALANCE. (Are you reading this, honey? Just checking.)
I personally think Mr. Stingy Husband Man needs a little talking to. In the NICEST WAY POSSIBLE, remind him that you guys are in this together, that you helped get him where he is, and that you getting to enjoy a bit of it is not unreasonable. I have no idea what all this values nonsense is- sounds to me like he's made a little and doesn't want to part with it, but he needs a reminder that he would have never made it without you. You've earned it.
And if that doesn't work, ask him how he feels about parting with half of it. EVERY MONTH. UNDER COURT ORDER. That should get his attention. Because SERIOUSLY, "values"? I'm with PChef- what a fucking drama queen.
On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.
