We Three Bitches

Ways and Means

Why, Hello my dearest Bitches,
First I'd just like to say I love your site and have developed a serious girly crush on the three of you ever since I found it. So, I'm so effin' excited that I finally have a question for you, and I'm all "omigod bring on the tell-it-like-it-is wisdom that I love so dearly".

On to the problem: I'm a 22 year old college student who works part-time. I have these 2 friends who are a couple, we'll call them Frankie and Annette. These two have full-time jobs and make a lot more than me. I don't begrudge them any of this, I actually admire them for their hard work and kind of wish I had the energy to work full time AND go to school full time like they do. The problem with this income gap is they're always wanting to travel, and of course they invite me to come along. Last summer they went to Peru (a $1,500 trip for each of them), this spring Annette is going to Germany (about $900) and this July they want to go to Costa Rica (probably going to be around $1000). I've been invited on all 3 trips, and ever since I took French in high school and developed an interest in other cultures, I've been dying to travel. So, every time they ask me to go on a trip with them, my response is "I'd REALLY like to...but the money, I no have." Complete with big frowny face. :(

My question is this: is there a way I can finance the Costa Rica trip on my meager earnings? I make about $250 a week, and the only bills I worry about are my car payment ($271/month), electric (average $30-$80/month), internet ($50/month), groceries and gas ($320/month), and a credit card with $1000 charged on it ($50/month). The leftover pay usually gets spent on eating out a few times a week, getting a little booze on the weekends and going out for coffee once in a while. My parents help me with the rest of my bills, which I know makes me really lucky and some h8ters who've had to support themselves 100% from the day they turned 18 are all "shut it, bitch", but that's a whole other story.

PS it may be helpful to know I recently applied for a balance transfer to another credit card because my current rate is pretty high, and they rejected me for not making enough moolah.

Now that I look at the whole thing written out, I could of course just stop eating out and partying and drinking coffee, but I was wondering if there were any other options. Ones that won't turn me into a hermit who never goes out with her friends.

Thanks and big kisses,
I Wanna Goooo!

Does Annette have a neck? Just curious. You know, because of what you named them, the whole no-neck-funicello-syndrome popped into my head. So it's your fault.

Now, for your ACTUAL ISSUE. I guess I could say "Where there's a WILL, there's a WAY," but that would be all cliché and boring, and I could also tell you about how when we wanted to finance trips in college we started "donating" plasma for pay months in advance for extra cash (I also paid for a tattoo this way), but I'm not sure how helpful it would be. Besides, I don't know if you have a plasma center nearby.

So, here are some ideas. You mentioned working part-time- can you get more hours or a second job? You also listed $320 for groceries and gas, which sounds like you could work on it a bit, maybe switching to store brands and doing without here and there on some nicer things? Remember, I don't know how much you have to drive, either. Eating out adds up- ditch that. Also, the booze and coffee? Ditch that too. That shit ADDS UP. Maybe invite your friends over for a "Poker Night"- that way, you can save on going out and take some of their cash at the same time. Unless you suck at cards, and then I'd have to say dismiss that idea.

Basically, if you REALLY want to go, you're going to have to get creative and conservative at the same time to do it. I think the sacrifice might be worth it when you look back on it all.

I don't think that a single person, at the end of their life, said "Man! I wish I'd traveled less and saved a little more money."  No.  I imagine that they think about missed opportunities for adventure and fun.  And sweetheart?  You spend a LOT of money.  You spend close to the same amount each month on groceries that I do.  For me AND the bottomless pit stomach I share a house with.  And I have to back up what BJ said on the going out and the coffees and such... STOP IT.

Maybe open up a second bank account, we call these foreign things SAVINGS accounts.  And they are specifically for what we call "a rainy day" because from where I'm sitting it looks like you're hoping for a downpour and the skies are clouding up fast.  See if your bank can transfer a certain dollar figure from each check into this savings account.  Let it add up over a few months.  You may not be able to go on the very next trip Fred and Ethel have planned but what if the three of you planned one together.  One that was far enough out to give you time to save up for it.

Or rather than try and go on EVERY trip they plan (because my GOD do these two not ever want alone time?  What the hell... oh... are you their "special friend"?  And if so why aren't they footing your bill?) pick ONE trip a year.  One that you really want to take.  And spend the year saving up for it. 

What about birthdays?  Christmas?  Would your parents be willing to give you the gift of cold hard cash that you could put toward your vacay fund?

I have been seeing these Bank of America commercials that claim to round up every purchase you make to the next dollar and deposit the change in a savings account.  Couldn't hurt, could it?

Having friends who just flat out make. more. money. can be really difficult, I know because I have lots of those friends.  My husband is an engineer and he makes a nice salary.  We do quite fine on it.  But most of our friends?  Are married couples of TWO engineers.  And their income is nearly double what ours is.  We've had to do some prioritizing and we've had more than a few fights about money (so thank your lucky damn stars that you are figuring this all out on you OWN and not having to argue with some dumb boy who just doesn't understand your cries of OH MY GOD YES I NEED THOSE SHOES OR I WILL DIE ALONE AND YOU WILL HAVE KILLED ME AND I'LL BE BAREFOOT YOU ASSHOLE).

You are young.  And this is the perfect time in your life to be able to take trips and have adventures.  You have your whole life to make money.  And get out of debt.  (Says the woman who has only recently learned the ancient chinese art of balancing a checkbook.)  Just don't try to do it all at once.

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.

Tattoo You

Dear esteemed, knowledgeable & lovely bitches:

My younger brother is a bit of a screw up.  Nothing major, but his lifestyle has caused a few problems with the family in the past.  Our parents kicked him out of the house over various issues.  Since then, he's gotten his act together fairly well.  While there are parts of his lifestyle I don't agree with, I don't give him a hard time about it--it's his life.  He & my parents get along fine nowadays (he's in his late 20s) and likewise, though they still object to a lot of his choices.  They've kinda taken on the attitude that as long as they don't KNOW about it, they ignore the issue, no matter how much they suspect.  But, once they KNOW about something, they can't seem to keep their noses out of it.  As such, he's taken to hiding certain things about his life from them.  Again, nothing major, but stuff he really doesn't want confrontations about.  The relevant  issue here is ink.  My brother fancies himself an anarchist, and runs with a punk rock crowd.  While my folks know this, and have come to tolerate his sometimes strange clothing choices, what they don't know is that he is heavily tattooed.  Whenever he visits them, he always makes sure to wear long sleeved shirts and full-length pants.  I've known for quite a while, but haven't said anything because really, I don't see a problem with it nor do I think it's my (or my parents') business.

I've also got a cousin who is, quite frankly, a colossal fuck up.  He has drug & alcohol problems and has had run ins with the law.  Apparently, this weekend, the shit hit the fan with him & his parents.  His mom (my mom's sister) was so frantic that my mom drove the 2 hours up to her house to help out.  While my mom was there, a major confrontation happened between my cousin & his mom.  Apparently, things were made worse by my  mom's presence--my cousin resented her being there from the sounds of it, and so lashed out at various points by telling her things about my brother.  Including information about the tattoos.  He knows she objects to inkwork, so knew this would bother her.  And he also apparently said certain things about the tattoos that lead her to believe that they were extremely offensive subject matter.  Now, unless my brother has more tats than I'm aware of, there's nothing offensive about what he's got.  But, my mom is now under the impression that he is covered in sexually explicit & possibly racist tattoos.

How do I know about this latest twist?  Because tonight she called me up and grilled me about my brother, his tattoos & other aspects of his lifestyle.  And herein lies the reason I'm writing you.  At the beginning of the phone call, and several times during, she stressed to me that this was a completely confidential  conversation, that I was not to mention to my brother anything about what was said, etc. Now, I know that what's going to happen is that my mom is going to stew on this for a while, her imagination is going to run wild, she'll be convinced that my brother is covered neck to ankles in vulgar, racist, sexual, offensive ink and eventually she'll confront him in an explosive manner.  And I know that no amount of assurance from me about the subject will change that.  Quite the contrary, I know that the more I insist there's nothing offensive about them, the more she'll be convinced I'm covering for him and I'll wind up getting caught in the explosion.  Overall, my parents & I have a good relationship, and I really don't want to make it sound like she's psychotic.  On the other hand, a part of me feels I should give my brother a heads up about the situation so that at the least, he's not caught completely off-guard when the confrontation happens.   Who knows, he might even be able to broach the subject before the explosion happens in order to mitigate the fallout.  I'm also tempted to do this for the plain and simple fact that I want him to know it wasn't ME who "ratted him out."

So, should I tell him, thus risking the wrath of my mom for betraying the confidentiality?  Or should I not say anything to him & just hope I don't get caught up in the confrontation?  Should I try to put the two of them together & force the conversation right away, so that at least my mom won't stew & build up pressure?  Or should I just step way the hell back, refuse to get involved, and deflect any further questions from mom by saying "This is between you & bro, please don't involve me"?????

Stay the fuck out of it.  PERIOD.  The next time your mom wants to talk about your brother you need to cut her off immediately.  Tell her two things and two things only.  Thing the first?  He is an ADULT.  He is a grown ass man who can do whatever he wants and if that involves the illustrated life cycle of the monarch butterfly as interpreted by Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy then that's his fucking perogative.  Thing the second?  It DOES. NOT. INVOLVE. YOU.

From the sounds of it, you and your brother are on good terms.  I applaud him for turning his life, for the most part, around.  That's never easy, I assure you...I've done it.  So you need to tell BOTH of them that you are stepping out of your go-between role and if they have questions or comments for each other you would suggest either they rid the immediate vicinity of sharp objects and hash it out or look into setting up a complaint hotline under the number 1-800-KISSMYINK and move on.

Your mom sounds like a drama queen...you so ya know.  I think your brother deserves some credit he isn't getting.  What's a little ink amongst family?

First of all, there's nothing wrong with a little ink here and there. It's a beautiful art form, and I just never got why some people get so worked up about it. I have three tats myself. Which immediately puts me on your brother's side.

HOWEVER, there are a few things you need to say here, and then back the fuck out.
1) To your brother: Mom knows about your tattoos. I did not tell her-- our shit-ass cousin did. I just wanted you to know the shitstorm's coming. BUT... These are permanent parts of your body, and you obviously feel like they are important since you went through the trouble of getting them, and the sooner you quit being a big-ass baby and let the parents see them, the sooner they will get used to it and move on.
Most everyone that gets any inkwork done has to go through that with their parents, and it does pass surprisingly quick. What are they going to do- make you wash them off or something? He needs to act more like an adult with them if he wants to be treated like one.
2) To your mother: He is a grown man who can make his own decisions, and I really don't appreciate being asked to betray confidences I have with him by you. If you have things you want to know about him, then ask HIM.
Good luck with that one.

And never speak about the matter to either of them again. Seriously. No good can come of this for you if you stay involved.

You could even go get a "Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil" tattoo to show your mom. I bet that would help BUNCHES.

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.

Not Tonight, Jospehine

Is it me or is this odd…???

We practically live together…this morning we argue…in the heat of the moment I say I want the night alone…we apologise via text…we spend the day apart… I ask if he wants to come over tonite or leave it until tomorrow…the reply is “not tonight Josephine! x”

I’m hurt but am thinking freak!!!! I’ve turned my phone off in case I text something hurtful, but is that a weird thing to write or what?!?!?

Actually, I'm somewhat impressed. Rather than texting back "No, because you're getting on my last damn nerve" or "I have to stay home and scratch my ass tonight" or "I've got a little rash and some prescription cream I have to finish," he used a witty and historical cliché to blow you off. Now, I'm not entirely sure WHY he did it, since you didn't give us a lot to go on in your question, but I do kind of like his style.

And maybe he thinks of you as his empress. That's kind of cool. Is he short?

Well... that depends...

Is your name Josephine?

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.

We're Just "Pumped" About Answering This One

Recently, in an all out search for a lost remote control for the bedroom TV I found something my husband had been hiding. A penis pump. I have always considered him to be an average sized man, as far as penises go, and certainly have never complained about the way he uses it!  We have always had an open, easy going relationship, so my 1st instinct is to ask him about it, and then (maybe just a little) tease him about it (Because, really! I don’t think he needs it!) But, then I think if he is hiding it, maybe he really is sensitive about his size (again – I think it is fine!) and I shouldn’t mention it to him, until he says something to me.

So, do I tell him I found his pump, or just keep my lips zipped?

Signed,
A Wife who will never look under the dresser again

Huh.  You should know that I just read this question to my husband and his man-ego assured me that teasing?  Absolutely not the route to go.  You should also know that I disagree whole-heartedly and I would ride his ass about it for YEARS.  You should further know that I have no doubts that result would place you squarely back on the singles scene.  Because its just mean.  And nasty.

Also?  My only reference point for a "penis pump" is that scene from Austin Powers where it CLEARLY IS NOT HIS BAG BABY.  And I'm a little scared to google it sitting here in the living room.  But I think I will anyway... because a good advice columnist is all about research.  For example, had you asked me about shoes or mascara I would absolutely consult Zappos and Sephora with ONLY your interest in mind.  So now that I have conviced myself to google penis pumps, I am scarred for life.  JUST SO YOU KNOW.

And Wikipedia totally mentions Austin Powers so now I feel smart.

All rambling aside.  Just ask him.  Keep it light hearted.  "Hey.  Honey.  Are you sure you want to keep this under the dresser?  I imagine the dust bunnies aren't exactly sanitary.  Dust bunnies are known carriers of the syph.  Where would you like me to move this HIGHLY unnecessary item?"  And then forever use this excuse to avoid cleaning.  And maybe hire a house cleaning service.  You know...for pain and suffering...

OK, I'm obviously a sheltered little baby, because I was thinking at first that this was the pump thing for impotent men with the little squeezee ball under their arm or something where you could blow it up like a bicycle tire that I read somewhere that Sylvester Stallone had and HOW IN THE HELL would that have ended up under the bed and HOW IN THE HELL would you have never known about it and if OOPS IT POPPED, do they go zinging around the room like a balloon you let go of?

After mentioning this to Work Husband, he set me straight.
And then got all worked up that I was going to say he was the authority because HE HAS NO NEED FOR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH. In lieu of this paranoia, I feel compelled to state (mostly because he'll probably read this one) that, aside from my husband, he is the most attractive, virile, sex-on-wheels guy this side of Hugh Jackman who can make a woman curl her toes just by looking at her with no mechanical assistance whatsoever.

But back to your dilemma.
All your question did for me is bring up more questions. Why would he have this if he obviously never needed it in a situation in which you were involved? Does he think this is like penis-traction, where it will eventually stretch or something? Why on earth would he hide it under the bed and not in a safer (and probably cleaner) place? Am I a total moron for not knowing what this is? Should I buy one for someone as a gift one day? Can you regift them if still in the box?

If they'd have put this in an episode of Sex and the City, I'd be all informed. Damn them.

My first reaction is to make fun of it with complete abandon, but after some thought, I think you should just keep your mouth shut about it. The whole weenie thing is a big deal to guys, and if he's already sensitive about it, it might not go very well if even a teensie weensie little joke is made. If it's just killing you, I'd go with the "I found this while cleaning, and I just wanted to let you know that I knew about it, and it's really no big deal, and I don't think you need it at all and am very satisfied with you just the way you are, and I just wanted to let you know you don't have to hide things like this from me" plan of attack. Maybe even offer to ummm, participate with it, you know? Put the ball in his court. And then never mention it again. Everybody has their stupid things, and this might just be his.

I will admit that my urge to run around the house doing the Hanz and Franz from SNL would be overwhelming, though- "I'm going to PUMP (clap) YOU UP" would be the new foreplay.
And I'd probably end up single.

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.

Sick and Tired

Dear Ladies,

I've been married for about six months. A couple weeks ago my husband, 30, and my son, 6, got a raging case of stomach flu. They both started vomiting about the same time and then every hour all night long. My husband would throw up on the hour and my son would wake up on the half hour. (I tried to sleep downstairs so I wouldn't get the bug.) I got up when my son was sick and then I would go downstairs to try to sleep.

My husband made a huge production out of puking, making a racket that wasn't necessary and prevented me from sleeping all night long. Then he'd come downstairs and complain and ask me to get him this or that. He wanted some tea but not hot, could I steep it and then cool it down? (We don't have a freezer or ice cubes.) Could I heat him some chicken broth since we didn't have any soup? I made him soup by chopping veggies and using chicken broth and then he didn't eat it. I thought it was outrageous, my six year old was more mature than my husband.

My question is this... Is this how all men are when they're sick? Should I tell him next time to stop acting like a baby or accept this is how men act?

Reading your question, all I could do was chuckle. Because no other creature ALIVE can be so pitiful and helpless as a sick man with a wife. And you will notice that I included "with a wife," because otherwise, in their single days, they all would have curled up and died the first time the sniffles hit or they had a pimple that lasted more than an hour. I fully believe they completely take advantage of the situation when married and have a bit of "reverting to childhood when mommy made me cupcakes laced with NyQuil and wiped my little nostrils with cashmere cloths soaked in unicorn sweat tinged with rainbows" nostalgia.

However, and I'm just giving you how I treat it and probably not what some sage soul like Dear Abby would say, for them, we are WIVES, not MOTHERS. The nostril wiping routine is reserved only for people we had to squeeze through very narrow places in a sterile environment. Now, I will take care of him if he is wise enough to limit the complaints and requests to the reasonable- soup for dinner, a drink, an extra blanket, where's the drugs (because of course, that's my department)- stuff like that. When it gets to requests like your husband made, my answer would have been, "FOR GOD'S SAKES, MAN, YOU'RE AN ADULT, AND I'M NOT YOUR DAMN MOTHER. DO IT YOURSELF," and I would have only changed my stance if it got worse, like he stopped breathing or started shooting blood from his tear ducts or his heart leapt through his chest and landed on the kitchen floor still beating or something.

Because, as a mother like you already knows, as long as we are UPRIGHT, no matter how sick we may be, the world must go on. And go on it will. And we will rise to the occasion. Because that's what we girl types do.

As to your question, the answer is YES, THEY ARE ALL LIKE THIS to some degree. It's just part of it. How much of it you choose to put up with is TOTALLY up to you. I have also found that broadcasting what an absolute diaper-rashy, gerber babyish, whining pussy he is to the Internet can have a startling effect. Just sayin'.

Just remember, this is the person who might have to take care of YOU sooner or later- you might want to remember that when you're slipping broken glass into his chicken soup. And if you love him the rest of the time, take it as part of the package- it's just one more way that we chicks are superior. And you can't really blame them for being weak, can you? They're made that way.

That's why they marry us.

In a word?  Hell yes they are.  If I'm not mistaken, the OFFICIAL rumor is that without having the benefit of the whole childbirth thing and the physics involved the next closest degree of pain they have with which to equate it would be gonorrhea and the whole pissing razor blades thing. (of which I have no personal knowledge but Google was QUITE helpful...)

They are absolute pussies and you can't change it. But you have a couple of options in handling their regression into little girldom. First? Suck it up and baby them a little. And then snap a few pictures when he's shoulder deep in the porcelain throne much like those pictures from your senior year of high school from that party when you... oh... nevermind... just take the damn pictures and share them with the internet. Be sure to send the link to all his co-workers, that would be HYSTERICAL. Send it to us too, mmmkay?

Second option? Sit back and laugh and laugh and laugh. Make him watch birthing videos. And maybe a colonoscopy because those totally suck. And third option? Ship his pathetic ass off to his mama's. But this one has more cons than it does pros because from that day forward you will be THAT WOMAN... the one who just doesn't love her little baby schookie-ookums like he deserves to be loved. So my official position is that option C is a VERY bad idea.

 

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.