Dear Wise Bitches,
This is long and convoluted, please bear with me. I've found my true soulmate but the foundation of our relationship is full of so much drama and hurt that I don't know how to deal with it.
Last year in early November I met my boyfriend. I won't extol his virtues but he's the most wonderful guy on the planet. I truly believe that he's the man that God has designed for me, custom fit- custom built. We argued but never fought, always respected each other and he treats me like a queen. Even though we had great dates, I still continued dating other people and talking to other people for several months after the fact. I never considered us exclusive until late March, but he felt it was 'love at first sight' and dropped everyone else that he was dating/sleeping with from a fortnight after he met me. I considered him a player---he was too smooth, and didn't feel the instant buzz that he had. I didn't jump into bed with him at all, in fact holding off until January, until I was more sure about his intentions. He was living at that time with his female room-mate that he used to sleep with last year (they slept together until October but shared the same bed once in a while until mid-January just cuddling) and who she was in love with him. She considered them to have an open relationship and didn't think that he was going to get serious with me.
In January, I slept with a guy for money. My motivation wasn't just money, it was a combination of curiousity of that lifestyle, pressure from my best friend and acting young, immoral and wild. Also in January (the same week), I had a pseudo-date with my ex-boyfriend (in which he tried to proposition me for a booty call). In addition, I was still talking to guys on Myspace and planning to fly cross country to spend a weekend with another ex (who we were platonic friends at this point, however we might have slept together if i had gone, it was up to me). I didn't consider all of this cheating on him whatsover--because we hadn't had a committed exclusive relationship yet.
I have a serious acute medical condition in which I'm acutely ill about 3-4 times in a year, and every single guy I've ever dated has ended up breaking up with me once I get hospitalised. I figured that this would be no exception. That has been the breaking point of every single relationship I've had in the past, so for me it's turned into some kind of test.
After alot of drama with his ex-fuck buddy (the room mate) aka Psycho Bitch, I wasn't yet sure that I was ready to commit to him. It just seemed like too much going on. I hated the fact that whenever she would attack me he would confront her first and deal with her emotions and then be too tired after that to deal with mine. I hated the fact that he was still living with her and had signed a year lease even though they had supposedly broken up months ago. I hated the fact that she took care of him, still lived with him, did his laundry, paid his bills, watched his son while he was at work etc.
In February I wrote him a long letter detaling all my complaints and asking for a clarification of our relationship. I thought that after reading the 12-page letter he would break up with me but that wasn't the case. He read it in my presence and went over every single thing with me, promising to do better and pay more attention to my needs. I asked to know whether we were boyfriend/girlfriend or just fuck buddies and he told me that we were for the moment 'Exclusive Friends with Benefits' until he got Psycho bitch off his case.
He told me he loved me on March 6.
Later in March I fell sick and he stood by me through everything, he came by everyday, cried the first time he saw my body wracked with pain and acted as my rock during that turbulent time. We talked alot while I was sick, about his previous relationships and grew closer during the 10 days of my hospitalization.
A week after I got better, he still hadn't broken up with me. We went to get something to eat and were so lovey dovey at the restaurant that the waiter asked how long we'd been together. It was then I realised that we'd been together for 5 months. And that I could see myself with him for another 5 months, for another 5 years for another 50 years. I realised then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
That evening I told him about the fact that I slept with the trick. Mainly because I didn't want there to be any more secrets and lies between us. Of course, he reacted so scarily, he walked out as soon as I told him. He asked me when it was, and I freaked out and lied, telling him that it was early November, right after I had met him. After a few hours, he called me and we talked more about it. it was a rough spot but he was willing to overlook it because he loves me and felt that we are really right for each other. It was a rough few days but we soon fell back into our normal groove. Everything was all right again.
In May my ex (the one I had a pseudo date with), called me telling me that he was in the hospital. I felt bad for him and went to visit him, not telling my boyfriend until after the fact. it wasn't intentional, I called earlier but my boyfriend had his son that weekend and didn't pick up the phone when I called. My ex let me borrow his car while he was hospitalised so that I could come back the next day to pick him up. (He didn't get discharged until days later). It was strictly platonic, just a friend visiting a friend yet when I told my boyfriend he was really furious. He fought about it for close to an hour but at the end of it he told me that it didn't matter that much to him, it's just the principle that I did something behind his back.
In July my boyfriend's older brother died. He had to go to the east coast for the funeral. While there, some girl kissed him once (not French at the funeral) and he went to play pool with his cousin and another girl that used to date his brother. He didn't tell me any of this until recently. Since July we've been dealing with the overwhelming grief and loss that his family is going through. I never met his brother so I couldn't really fully feel the loss but I tried to put myself in his shoes to understand how to deal.
Ever since he came back my boyfriend has been going through my emails, my phone and my computer, looking for incriminating evidence to prove that I wasn't faithful to him. He found old pictures of my exes on my computer and he deleted them all. He deleted all the men phone numbers in my phone. He went through all my old emails (i never throw anything away) to piece together my previous relationships. I didn't know that all this was stemming from some kind of guilt he was harboring and just thought he was being very clingy and insecure, because of his brother's death.
My family is against him, because he's not Christian and never going to be. He's very proud of his religion and ancestry (Jewish). They feel that I should marry in my religion and in my nationality. His mother detests me because she feels I was insensitive to come to the house of a grieving mother and laughed out loud. (another long story)
In September we decided to move in together. His lease wasn't up but I wanted him all to myself. Psycho Bitch was still acting out and trippin every single fortnight over one incident or another. They have drag-out physical fights because neither of them will compromise and she's suicidal. It was just one dramatic situation to another. I just wanted peace and harmony in my home, with the man I loved who loved me back.
In late October we found a place and the next day we were supposed to go sign the lease. My boyfriend had asked me if my ex had ever spent the night and I told him that he never did, however, there was a picture in my computer that showed him sleeping on my bed. My boyfriend totally flipped and said he was breaking up wtih me. he stormed out of the house and was gone for about 30 minutes. He came back into the house later and asked me for every single confession that I had lied to him about. He kept pressing and pressing until I finally told him the true date of when I slept with that other guy---4 days after I had slept with him for the very first time.
Ever since then, the relationship that I knew has been pretty much overhauled. We still signed the lease for a year, still moved in together and still have pretty amazing sex. We have days with lots of laughing and love followed by several hours of anger.
There is so much hurt and betrayal on his stance. He feels that I lied and deceived him for several months (because I didn't tell him the true date of the trick), and that I'm immoral and weak for even having sex with a guy. He feels that I'm an insecure little girl and I gave up my pussy to any guy that came calling (including him I've only slept with 6 guys, he's slept with over 40 women). He says he can never trust me, I'm dishonest and that I'm a compulsive liar. He gets mad over the smallest things and in the last few days has started getting physical. After all this, yes, he does get tender and apologise, but now I'm wondering, am I heading down the slippery slope of a battered woman and don't even know it?
He keeps asking for details of everything. No matter what I tell him, he gets mad at it. Honestly--I don't remember all that shit but when I tell him that it just infuriates him more. He told me about what happened in Baltimore at his brother's funeral just to see what I would do. He told me that his mom after she met me told him that if he married me it would be like losing another son.
According to him I cheated on him, and with a trick which is even worse than just random cheating. In addition, I was still sprung on my ex boyfriend who isn't even as hot as he is. And on top of that I went to visit said ex in the hospital. My sins against him/our relationship is a long ass list.
I keep trying to make amends, apologising profusely and trying to explain myself. But nothing I do or say will ever make up for what I've done. He said I broke his heart like noone has ever done before. "none of the women i ever dated would think of doing that to me. you don't respect me." He said he felt that I was an upright, moral person but I shattered that illusion. Every single encounter we have with the past leaves me feeling like such a horrible person, like a whore. I've cried so deeply in the last four weeks, regretting every single thing I've ever done. I've even regretted having sex ever, like I should have saved my virginity for him.(fucking double standard!)
I abruptly stopped speaking/seeing my former best friend, just to appease him. I even agreed to a menage a trois, somethin that I was originally against. I suggested we take a break so he could 'fuck some women' to get even with me but he refused that, saying that just because I was an amoral slut doesn't make him one.
The only thing keeping us together according to him is my will power and the love he has for me. I told him that I'm not giving up on our relationship. I believe in us so much, in our love that I'm willing to keep working at fixing this until everything gets better. He loves me so much, that's why it hurts so much. He's suggested that maybe we should break up and I can start over fresh with someone new, "Someone that you won't hurt as much as you've hurt me." I rejected this offer several times, telling him that we are meant for each other and I'm not backing down from my committment. He said that if I feel for one second that it's not worth fighting for, he's walking away.
I don't know what else to do. One minute he's all sweet and tender (he'll cook for me, massage, make love etc), and then with one wrong word or remembrance he turns angry, over sensitive and irritable. I thought that with every day it would get better, but I think it's getting worse. It's like I'm with 2 different people, like sides of him are warring with each other. He's never hit me before... but last night he grabbed me by the neck and yelled at me to stop lying to him, even though I was telling the truth.
Am I just making concessions for his ill treatment? I know that his anger is justified but am I making things worse by just accepting it? Do you think our relationship is fucked beyond repair? Does it matter that even though everything is great most of the time we have these awful encounters? Am I heading down the road to being a battered woman?
Thanks for your advice.
I never thought I'd have to type the words "If you want a healthy relationship, don't fuck strangers for money," but there you go. You never know what path you'll be led down when you're an all-knowing bitch, I guess.
Just out of curiosity, HAVE YOU EVER READ OUR ANSWERS BEFORE? Like BEFORE YOU SPENT AN HOUR TYPING THIS ALL? Because I'm here to tell you, even though I have a thing against domestic violence, if there was ever a woman a guy half-way deserved to SMACK THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF, it's you. I mean, I kind of wanted to choke you somewhere along paragraph 3 or 4, but you didn't attach an address. And I'm really sitting here hoping you KNOW you need a smack and emailed us to get it, because if you actually thought we'd be kind, you might need to add "crack smoking" to your list of dumb-shit actions.
Now that I have that off my chest...
You are not soulmates. You might have been, but you're not now. When you reach this level of hostility and distrust, that's all gone. Get that through your head NOW.
Sad part is? Despite his issues, he sounds like a decent guy. I'm not going to address all of the different things you brought up, because honestly? That's all bullshit window-dressing.
Maybe you should have HIM email us...
Can it be saved? Who knows. My bet is no, but that's all up to HIM. If you have COMPLETELY reformed and plan to turn over a new leaf (which might be a REALLY fucking good idea), it's all up to him whether he can forgive and forget. You can't make him. Ever. No matter what. And you might just have to endure the rage until it passes and he sees that you are indeed different- stop with the rehashing and when it comes up, just say that you're sorry and you've learned from it and really want it to work. Sit him down and say, "I fucked up here. TOTALLY. But I love you and I want this to work. If you can't forgive me, I understand, but you're going to have to tell me that before we hurt each other more."
And if he wants to go, you let him go, because he has every reason and right to leave you as quickly as possible and leave no forwarding address.
That's all you can do.
And if you're lucky, it will pass. Eventually.
And if not, LEARN from this. Seriously.
And don't fuck for money if you want to have a healthy relationship.
I have to be honest...my eyes kind of glazed over once you became a hooker. You ask if his anger is justified...well hell yeah it is, his girlfriend is a prostitute. Now I'm not one to normally deal in total absolutes, I kind of live in the gray area but on this one I'm quite certain...if you fuck for money, you're a whore.
There's too much baggage here to ever make anything work from it. I mean, unelss you're a soap opera producer. Or Aaron Spelling. But his great genuis ass is dead now and we should all observe a moment of silence.
........
I think this guy is a better person than you've ever been with and you are dead set on hanging on to him whatever the price. Just look at the fucked up shit you two have done to each other. If you were reading this written by anyone else but you, your head would explode just like mine did. Which, by the way, hurt like hell. So thanks. Look at your history. Infidelity. Abuse. Dishonesty. Suspicion. Prostitution. Would you HONESTLY tell these crazy kids to try and make it work?
Just let it go. He deserves better. And you need to get your shit together before poisoning another good man. Yeah, I said it. He's a good man. Despite your vague references to violence...truth be told, I kind of want to smack the shit out of you too, I think he's a good guy who got swept up in something that he wasn't prepared for. He tried to stick by you but I think you made it impossible. And now you're throwing threesomes and fucking other women in the mix and I think you've scared the poor guy to death.
Walk away. Get the therapy you so desperately need. Don't be a hooker. Stop making excuses for your own fucked up behavior.
Holy hell. The thing that sucks about answering these questions during the one hour a day I'm sort of awake these days is when they take a bloody hour and a half to read. And I'm not trying to be all hipster, English copycat by using the term bloody. I mean, two of my fingers cracked and bled in the time it took me to finish reading this because I didn't want to, GODDESS FORBID, lose my place and have to start all over again so I put off getting my hand lotion from the bathroom. Man oh man.
Seriously, sometimes I think the longest questions deserve the shortest answers. Because long-winded people tend not to have the same attention spans they expect others to have when they're monologuing.
You guys are SO not perfect for each other. You don't nearly have your shit together enough to be in ANY sort of long term relationship. And he, though I kind of get his anger about the trick thing, still has a creep factor that I can't seem to shake.
Get out of this relationship now, for both of your goods. Seek professional help.
