We Three Bitches

The Bitch Is Back

Well, actually, it shouldn't be singular, as there are three of us, but as I wouldn't have been able to make an arcane pop culture reference to the biggest diva ever and one of my personal favorites, so grammar and logic can SUCK IT.

Well, guess what, people? It's not over.
Yes, I've been DELUGED with life, and Zube Girl did the whole birthing thing (and now sees that all my warnings were in fact true), and poor sweet Painting Chef waited on us.  And waited. And waited.

I haven't even mentioned I'm getting everything back together yet to the other bitches, because SURPRISE!!
(And yes, I'm the one who loads all the questions and does the  computer-type shit, so when I don't do it, it doesn't happen, so you can blame it all on me, which I really kind of dare you to do, because I can get a little testy sometimes.)

So, what the hell does this have to do with you?
We have questions, but since we lapsed for a while, they're dreadfully out-of-date. Most of them have already resolved themselves most likely (though not in the stylish and endlessly witty manner in which we would have done, but sometimes you just have to make chicken salad out of chicken shit, right?), so if you sent us one that is like, SO OVER, email us and let us know so we aren't wasting our precious bitch energy on things that don't even matter anymore.

And also? SEND US SOME NEW ONES, DARLINGS. 
We're back. And ready to bitch.

Love,
Bonanza

I refuse to believe that this is the end.

I am but one bitch.  But much like the other two... life, she has kicked the shit out of me right now.  We are not done.  I promise.  We still have advice left to give.  But we are on extended summer vacation.  Much like the way summer vacation used to feel when the words "summer" and "vacation" when put into a sentence together actually meant something.

Bonanza is running crazy literally being a soccer mom.  But let me be the first to assure that she is the meanest and bitchiest soccer mom around and if you cross her I have no doubts that the repercussions would be harsh and swift and probably include something painful and unspeakable involving fabulous shoes.  Because she's just that kind of awesome.   And she still thinks your boyfriend is a bum.  We all do.  Especially his wife.

Zube is a new mom.  Enough said.  Which she is doing with plenty of attitude.  We are all quite certain that her daughter will NEVER leave the house in THOSE SHORTS nor will she fall for the lines that some random boy fed her as Zube has translated the entire archives thus far of this website and reads it to her in place of a bedtime story.  I'm thinking of starting a betting pool on what the first word will be.  My money is on some sort of profanity.  Which I think is kind of awesome because she isn't my kid.

Which brings us to me.  Who has no real excuse other than following the pack.  Well, that and getting a house ready to sell.  And moving out of state.  And starting a new job.  All of which combine to bring me to a whole new level of crazy only previously attained by pumping my blood full of various fertility drugs.  Because of this, I ASSURE you it is best that I not answer your questions right now.  Because chances are good that I'll probably just tell you all to shove it.  But in the meantime you should listen up... Men are all assholes until they hit 22.  And then about half of the become human.  That half is either married or gay.  I promise.  Once they hit 25 you get a new batch of good ones.  And then the rumor is they eventually hit 35 and become adults.  I'll let you know.

We will be back.  Very soon I hope.  I'm sorry for the prolonged hiatus with no explanation.  We haven't given you one because we each have our own.  But the guilt was killing me.  And just between you and me, I kind of miss you.  In a bitchy and bossy kind of way of course.

It's not that we're slackers... we're just THAT. DAMN. GOOD.

Have we disappeared?

No.

Have we taken the show on the road and decided to come dole out the ass-kickings in person?

No.  Although that could be fun...

Have our collective heads exploded from all the baby daddy drama and "The Best of Jerry Springer" caliber of relationship decisions some of you people make?

Shockingly... no.  But sometimes we want to throw rocks at you.  Just so you know.

You have no questions for us.  And so we have no answers for you.  Because we have fixed every. damn. problem. you. have.  (As far as I know... I'm not the techical brains behind this corner of the internet, I'm just the big boobs and blue eyes.)

So send your questions to us at wethreebitches(at)yahoo(dot)com.  We know you're really sitting on your couch with a week's worth of cheeto dust coating your hands while either quivering uncontrolloble or staring slack jawed at the television wondering how you could have made such a mess of your life.  And also what is it that is so damn interesting about Paris Hilton and why isn't she still in jail for her crimes against humanity?

Fear not!  Stand up!  Let in the light!  Put down that remote control and fight through the pins and needles in your legs!  Drag your sorry ass off the floor, un-Chester-Cheetah-fy yourself and for the love of god don't forget to wash behind your ears!  Find your computer under that mess of wine bottles and empty cans of whipped cream and send us your cry for help!

We'll be waiting.

It's Those Damn Mother-In-Laws Again...

Dearest Bitches,
I come here every Friday to generally roll my eyes at the ridiculous questions and then nod along at each of your answers. I know you get a lot of questions about dealing with mothers-in-law, and now I’m going to jump on the bandwagon, because I’d like to see what young married women like yourselves say.

Here’s the back-story: My fiancé, we’ll call him Stan, and I got engaged about a month ago. We’ve been together for two years. We’ve lived together for most of that time. The first time I met his mother she told me she didn’t approve of us living together. I was able to shrug it off because I believe in our relationship, but Stan later called his mother and berated her for bringing that up to me the first time I met her and not even giving me a chance. They didn’t talk for a week.

Stan was raised very Catholic, in a very tight-knit family, in a blue collar town. All of the extended family lives in the same city and no one ever leaves. We, however, live an hour away.

I was raised by very liberal more white-collar parents. We went to church sometimes, but I’ve never cracked a bible. I wasn’t confirmed or any of that. My parents are of the school of thought that, “As long as you are not doing anything dangerous or illegal and you’re happy, go forth and prosper!” They trust my brothers’ and my common sense completely. When I graduated from college my parents realized they needed to let me go, they were done raising me; they had to trust that they hadn’t screwed up too badly along the way that I couldn’t make it on my own.

This is a concept Stan’s mother has yet to grasp. She still thinks she needs to mother Stan (and not in a good way). Rarely do they have phone conversations where they share happy news, where Stan tells his mother about work, or about something fun we did together. Their conversations revolve around money (nagging him to pay bills, asking him if he’s gotten paid yet, asking if she can transfer money from his account because he owes his parents money), or nagging him about something. The other day she called to remind him to buy a present for his brother’s fiance’s bridal shower. Stan was not actually invited to the shower, I was invited, and I am fully aware that I need to buy a present. So essentially she was calling to have him remind ME!

The final straw was a few days ago. We picked a location and date for our wedding. We were both really excited. When Stan called his mom she said, “Oh.” And then went on to tell him she’s disappointed he’s not getting married in the Catholic church. Stan is not a practicing Catholic, would it not be hypocritical to be married in a church who’s beliefs you do not actually recognize (like his brother is doing)? She showed not an ounce of happiness that Stan had found the person he wants to spend his life with, someone who makes him happy and balances him. Stan was crushed after that conversation.

I believe that there is no other appropriate response to someone’s wedding announcement but to be happy for them, unless you see their partner as a total dirtbag and believe they’d be making the biggest mistake of their lives. I don’t think his mother thinks I’m a dirtbag, so why can’t she just get over it? Is she ever going to see Stan as a responsible adult who makes intelligent decisions; and that our wedding and the decisions we make regarding our wedding have nothing to do with her, and she has every right to feel disappointed, but none to tell us so? Or is this futile, will she always treat him like a child who can’t tie his own shoes? 

If you have children on the belief that they are going to be exactly like you and hold all of the same morals and values as you do and never stray, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment, and his mother should have realized this after 25 years of raising kids. In all the times I’ve heard her say she was disappointed in her kids, I would have thought that maybe she would realize she should lower her expectations just a smidge. Stan needs his mother to guide him when he seeks guidance, to give advice when he’s a little lost, not to toll out suggestions and disdain at every turn.

He has tried to discuss this with her many times, and last night he went off on his dad about it. His dad’s response was just to say, “Okay, talk to later!” and hang up. In one ear and out the other. So what do we do to get her to realize she’s done raising him? He’s raised, he’s out there tying his shoes and making responsible decisions every day, one of them being the person he’s chosen to marry. And any poor choices he makes at this point only affect him (and maybe me). How do we get her to treat him like an adult and trust that his decisions are the best for him?

Sign me,
MIL-impaired

Oh. Honey.  You have no IDEA what you are getting yourself in to.  Now that doesn't mean don't jump in head first.  Because Stan, with the exception of his apparent inability to grow a pair and stand up to his mother, sounds like one of the good ones.  Two very enthusiastic thumbs up for that.  But you should know that my in-laws are the very reason I would never in a million years part with my Caller ID.

I'm not really sure just what it is about mothers and sons.  I don't have any brothers and my only experience is with my own mother in law and she TRIES TO MOP MY FLOORS.  Granted, I never mop my floors but that doesn't mean that its alright for her to come in there and wave her mop of judgment all about.  NO.  I do NOT get up at the buttcrack and fix her preshus babee a three course breakfast and NO I don't have dinner on the table when he walks in the door and YES by god I expect him to help me keep the house clean.  Were you aware that this makes a person a sub-par wife?

So see?  You aren't alone.  Mothers-in-law hate us.  Those of us who were actually taught that its alright, dare I say ADMIRABLE to make your own way in the world.  That when you grow up and become a productive and responsible adult they should be HAPPY and PROUD and RELIEVED that you aren't the guest of a maximum security prison somewhere.  No.  Apparently... those evil creatures would prefer that their children, specifically their SONS still let them fold their underwear and use the boob for a good bedtime snack.

This isn't a battle you are going to technically "win".  But now is the time to plant the seeds necessary for a stalemate.  You need to start talking up words like "teamwork" and "united front" and "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WE ARE NOT EVER LIVING NEAR THAT CRAZY NUT" and other such subtle notions.  Stand firm on the church thing, this is YOUR day, not hers.  No need to be a hypocrite, she thinks you're evil enough already.

I think the coup de grace would be to pull a Charlotte and let the old bag catch you in flagrante delicto.  I am thinking that also perhaps you need to leave LOTS of sex toys and condoms and birth control pills laying around.  If she's spending all her time praying for your mortal soul maybe she'll be too busy to notice where the wedding is.

OK, first? You are THE EVIL HEATHEN BITCH WHO HAS TAKEN HER BABY AND USED SEX TO STEAL HIM AWAY FROM HER! HUSSY! SLUT! Don't you know this? Mothers and their sons are a PECULIAR BREED altogether. No matter how normal they might look from the outside. That LOVELY BOY that you have FORCED into treating her badly and living inappropriately was the one man she could focus all her love on FOREVER and he would never, ever disappoint her, and YOU took him. You went and fucked the catholic right out of him or else he would get married PROPERLY.
It's not you. We all get it.
Unless we're wise enough to marry an orphan, which is TOTALLY my game plan second time around.

So, bottom line? You're not going to get her to understand ANYTHING. Because SHE DOESN'T WANT TO. She wants him to be her baby and her baby only, and his father? Is smart enough to stay out of it. And all you can do is tolerate it and hope he is good at maintaining boundaries, which so far, he sounds better than most.

How do we married ladies handle this stuff? Heh. I hid in my bathroom and pretended not to be home once. I also make GOOD USE of Caller ID. You know, rational maturity is the plan. Seriously? You put up with it because you love him, and you pitch a fit when it gets really bad, and you get to go buy yourself something to make up for the pain every time you have to go for a visit. You just do the best you can. And pray for the day he decides to write her off on his own. PRAY HARD.

Now a new MOM!!!! She can't POSSIBLY deal with anyone else's problems right now with her brand new sleep-draining, shitty-pantsed, constantly ravenous little angel, CAN SHE NOW? Check up on all the wonderful baby news here. Because you know, bitches love babies.

A Different Kind of Discharge

My husband is due to discharge from the military about a month after my due date. He thinks that, instead of allowing the military to move our things for us, we should have them give us the money and we’ll do the moving.
We will have a month old child. As well as our 2yr old. And I won’t be able to lift anything. And will have to stop every 2 hours. Because of that whole infant thing. Oh, and to prevent blood clots.
My question is, am I allowed to shove him into traffic and use the insurance money to fly us home first class while the military moves our stuff?

Doesn’t Want a U-haul

Honey, that seems like the only logical reaction. Inform him (not politely) that he will be doing ALL of the work by himself. While YOU stand over him and SUPERVISE HIS EVERY MOTION. With lots of criticism. And fragile things that have to be wrapped in newspaper. And then tell him that all that effort supervising will tire you HUGELY and you will need several days afterwards for him to watch the child alone while you rest up. And this means no sex while you're resting. And probably afterward.

It's amazing how a little perspective can persuade them.

Um.  Yes.  I am quite certain that would be a justifiable use of the money.

REALLY?  He REALLY thinks that the two of you are going to do this yourselves?  I am thinking this is the time to pull the trump card and say "Baby.  I realize you've been getting shot at while playing war and whatever but until you've pissed a very large watermelon this just is not your call."

And then before you shove him in the traffic, make him buy you something that sparkles.  Because DAMN.  You've earned it.

Now a new MOM!!!! She can't POSSIBLY deal with anyone else's problems right now with her brand new sleep-draining, shitty-pantsed, constantly ravenous little angel, CAN SHE NOW? Check up on all the wonderful baby news here. Because you know, bitches love babies.

Ring Around the...

I have a dilemma. Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years and about 7-8 months into the relationship he proposed with no ring. Being in love and broke at the time, we decided a ring could wait. One month later, he got orders to Iraq for a year. I was crushed. But we then decided that since we had not formally got engaged with the ring and everything the first time, waiting until he got back would be fine plus I would be able to get the ring of my dreams with the extra money. So now, fast forward a year, he is back and I am happy. We have talked about the engagement and he did promise to get the ring and mentioned it several times, however another month has passed and no ring! I try to explain to him how embarrasing it is to tell people you are engaged with no ring, and he just doesn’t get it. I’ve been more than patient- what do I do?

Signed,
Patiently waiting

OK, first? HE WENT TO IRAQ. It's not exactly a year in MAUI, now is it? Have you considered that his time spent over there might have changed him a bit? That maybe he still WANTS to marry you but has some WAY more serious things in his head and heart to deal with right now? There's been a lot of press about returning personnel and what they're going through, and even if he hasn't shown any outwardly horrible symptoms, that doesn't mean that he never saw anything that didn't scar him for life.

Now, I realize that I am playing devil's advocate here a bit, and he might just be a lazy bum with an adversion to jewelry stores, but I have to think if everything was all gung-ho before he want and it's not now that he's back, something has changed. WAR can do that.

I think a serious talk with him is in order. And when you do it, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES get all weepy and self-pitying if he tells you he needs time- GIVE HIM THAT TIME if you love him. He was in place where they can cut off your head on TV if they catch you... cut, clarity and color are probably pretty far down on his list. He might also not have funds to do it yet and is embarassed to tell you since you planned it before... Basically, give the man a chance to explain to you before you get all worked up.

Because let's face it, a good man for life is a way better prize than a diamond.

Did I just say that? Shit.

Is the no-sex clause useful here?  I completely understand your dilemma.  I was briefly engaged without a ring but he had bought me a house.  And while I couldn't wear it on my finger, I considered that a whole hell of a lot better.  You know... until I was actually looking down at a diamond.  Two carats will go a long way to make a girl forget the importance of a roof of her own.

I am thinking that it is time to enlist a few allies.  First?  Your friends.  They should heckle him mercilessly.  Your second ally?  A kibosh on the wedding plans.  Don't move forward with them until your left hand stops traffic.  You've waited long enough.

Have I mentioned there is a downside to all of this?  There is.  Its the possibility of him resenting you for pushing for the actual ring  But maybe he has a plan, you know?  Maybe he's planning a big surprise with hearts and flowers and gumdrops and unicorns and truckloads of diamonds.  If he is, you're going to feel like shit.  I'm sorry but you are.  However, the chances of that are slim because boys are stupid and generally unromantic and you should throw rocks at them.

I defer to my original no-sex response.  Sometimes you have to go with your gut.

Now a new MOM!!!! She can't POSSIBLY deal with anyone else's problems right now with her brand new sleep-draining, shitty-pantsed, constantly ravenous little angel, CAN SHE NOW? Check up on all the wonderful baby news here. Because you know, bitches love babies.

"Wrong Number" Might Not Be the Best Approach, but Then Again...

Hello dears,
I was just wondering if there’s any polite way to tell a friend’s mother to quit calling me. This friend of mine is 24, and every time she can’t locate him, she calls me and all of his other friends. It makes me feel like his damn babysitter and frankly, I think it’s kind of ridiculous that she feels the need to check up on him all the time. Granted, he is bi-polar and has done some crazy shit in the past, so I can see why she would worry sometimes. However, I am not his answering service or his nanny, and if she really wants to keep tabs on him she should buy him a cell phone or make him get a job and buy his own friggin’ cell phone. That’s right, he’s unemployed and lives at home--that’s a whole other thing, though. I’m not his friend because he’s incredibly responsible, I’m his friend because he’s fun and loyal and we have thought-provoking conversations. I just wish his mother would cut the damn cord already, or leave his friends out of her constant worrying. I don’t know how to tell her all this without offending her though--and I really don’t want to offend her. Aside from the calling thing, she’s actually a really nice lady.

Thanks a mil,
No speaky English, wrong number!

Repeat after me.  "Look lady.  I realize you think your son isn't competent enough to find his asshole in a shitstorm but I'm not your own personal lo-jack."

Also?  Quit answering your damn phone when she calls.

Shit. PChef took my answer. Now I have to be the nice one.

I do have to give some sympathy to the fact that she's worried about him because of his condition. Anything could be going on at any time, and his reactions might not be proper or even safe. Mothers can get VERY protective and worried, and that's just part of being a mother. But that doesn't make all of the rest of you responsible for him at all times.

Here's a plan of attack for you to try next time she calls (You're going to be REALLY PROUD of my diplomatic skills here. I am. And a bit shocked, honestly. DAMMIT, PChef...):
"You know, I get concerned about whats-his-name, too, when I can't reach him, so I can only imagine what it's like for you. But honestly, most of the time, I have no idea where he is, and when I tell you that, I feel like it worries you even worse. Maybe you should get him a cell phone or a beeper with one of the always-active GPS trackers in it like they advertise for children so you can check where he is online if you get really worried. He won't like it, but maybe if you make a deal with him to let you know where he is with the phone so you won't use the tracker, everyone could be happy."

Now a new MOM!!!! She can't POSSIBLY deal with anyone else's problems right now with her brand new sleep-draining, shitty-pantsed, constantly ravenous little angel, CAN SHE NOW? Check up on all the wonderful baby news here. Because you know, bitches love babies.

National Lampoon's European Relation... ship.

I met my boyfriend (Bob) in summer 2004 while we were both interning in Switzerland. It was a connection at first sight. We both had significant others at the time, so when we parted ways, we stayed in touch but both went back to our boyfriend and girlfriend. We began to talk and email, so I proceeded to break up with my boyfriend. Feelings of guilt overcame me because I was very much in love with another and we had so many relationship problems that I needed to call it quits.

Bob (my current boyfriend), came to visit me right before he left for Europe again to go and live with his girlfriend (who is from Europe). I was leaving too. There was physical and emotional contact, and then he left.

So now he is in Europe and I am about to leave to go and travel (literally, I had my backpack on and was going to the airport) and he calls and tells me that he loves me. Now at this time this was hard to hear. Here I had know what we had was special and had broken up with my boyfriend and he was living with this girl and calling me to tell me that he loved me! This of course threw me for a loop, so on Valentines day, which was a week or two into traveling, I was little tipsy. Okay a lot tipsy and I called him to say that I was thinking about him on Valentines Day, blah blah blah.

Before this, he had told me I should go to Rome and live with him and that he would break it off with his current girlfriend. I told him I would go wherever to be with him. During this Valentines conversation, he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think it would be a good idea to talk anymore. It seemed he wanted to be with her and that talking to me was just making matters worse. So lose all contact at this point. I was fed up, needed to move on, and so I did.

Fast forward to the summer, he comes back from Europe and I am back in San Francisco. He tells me that they have broken up and that it is over and he comes to visit me for a couple of weeks. By this time, I was over it and was dating a number of guys and living the single life. At first when he came I was cold and unresponsive, my heart had gotten toyed with too much and I wasn't going to let him come in so easy. Things ended up working themselves out and we talked over our feelings and then started to date. Long distance. It was slow moving but we started to see each other once a month for about a year until he finished his degree in CT. The long distance was starting to wear on me, him and our relationship. So I gave the speech, you either make a decision to move here or we have to call it quits. So in June of 2006, he made the move to San Francisco and got his own place. He then moved in with me and now we share a room and the rent. So here we are today, living together in an apartment. This is the background information that I think is important to understand the history...

Now another important thing to note is that he is two years younger than I am. This at first didn't seem like such a big problem because in many, many ways he is very mature and actually is a great listener. And we are working on our  "issues" etc. etc. So what are my concerns...

He won't say I love you, he says, "I like you a lot" but says that he will say I love you when he is ready to have babies when I ask him why he won't say it. I want to be loved. Not liked. I think about this a lot and he has said it before, probably 3 separate times but won't say it to me on a semi-regular basis. I also feel like this is his way of keeping space so our relationship isn't so serious. But I think relationships need to take steps, Why won't he say it to me now, Now that we live together, are together?

Here is my problem/question, recently I have checked his email. Now I know this isn't something I should be doing and I know this is "torture" to myself. I have read emails that he sometimes sends to his ex-girlfriend and an assortment of other girls that have been in his life. This makes me concerned. It makes me want to talk to all of those guys that I have disregarded or at least kept very limited contact with in my life because I know they don't just want to be friends. To make matters worse, he says things like "peace and amore" and love and what not. Also, I have gotten pretty deep in the emails and find that he flirted with other girls and from what it seems hooked up with other girls while he was with his ex-girlfriend, and I know this can be true because he hooked up with me while with her. Now, I haven't found anything too alarming such as this during his time dating me. But what makes me different then his ex?

I know this is lengthy and probably a bit crazy but any feedback you have would be greatly appreciated.
Needing guidance

NOTHING makes you any different from his ex. Except maybe height, weight, bra size, DNA, etc. But how you will end up? You're two peas in a shitty-relationship pod.

After having read NUMEROUS questions where someone went snooping to find out something about their partners, I have come to the conclusion that if everything is OK, people don't feel compelled to do that. I don't like it and don't think it's OK, but I'm not surprised by how many people do it. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you feel the need to do that?

You already knew the score- you were just looking for evidence to try and prove to yourself you were wrong. But you weren't, were you? He's a shit, he's not very mature despite what you say, and you're wasting your time. Mature people don't do this- they stay with someone faithfully if they love them, and they move on when they don't. SELFISH people try to have it both ways, because hell, it's fun to have someone adore you while you run around doing what you like to who you like.

Don't be that girl. PLEASE.

He won't say that he loves you because HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Ok, let that sink in a minute. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. He might like you a lot, but do you really want to be using all this energy on LIKE?

You wouldn't invest $500 in a pair of shoes that didn't fit right, so why invest your future in a relationship that doesn't fit right? Trade in Mr. Payless flip-flops IMMEDIATELY. Jimmy Choo could be waiting around the corner.

All too often I think that men overlook the need that we have to be reassured about our relationships.  Whether it comes in the form of a sincere "I love you" or just some sweet gesture, that is something that most all women crave.  I'm probably not supposed to say that, but its true so I am.  I don't know what kind of relationship he had with previous girlfriends and I'm not going to speculate.  But I will speculate on one thing that could possibly explain his behavior at one point but certainly not now.

When he finally called you and told you that we wanted to be with you, you didn't respond for a couple of weeks.  Which is, I think, completely understandable.  You had already taken a big risk and he didn't immediately reciprocate.  Why should you drop everything and go running when he called?  But the boys... the have woefully short memories and narrow vision when it comes to things like that.  So in his mind perhaps this relationship started with a strike already against you and him being afraid you were going to hurt him "again".  He is wrong.  He is being a pansy-ass and you should pinch him very hard.  But for a brief moment, its an explanation.

But not anymore.  He isn't going to tell you he loves you until he's ready to have children?  This guy is FUCKED. UP. and a little damaged too.  Does he honestly think that a woman would consider having children with a man who isn't even able to tell her he's in love with her?  He needs therapy.

And about that therapy... maybe you should both go.  Because you have some serious trust and boundry issues.  It is NOT ALRIGHT to break into his email unless you have hard evidence that you are looking for something specific.  Like... you saw his purchase for a mail order bride on your credit card statement.  That?  Would totally be cause for a little espionage.  But as it is, you are only looking for a way out of the relationship.  If you aren't happy and if you don't think he's the one for the long haul then why are you wasting your time?  Don't look for an excuse.  If you are done then you are done.  He at least deserves your honesty about it.

Now a new MOM!!!! She can't POSSIBLY deal with anyone else's problems right now with her brand new sleep-draining, shitty-pantsed, constantly ravenous little angel, CAN SHE NOW? Check up on all the wonderful baby news here. Because you know, bitches love babies.

If a Banana's a Turd, There's a Real Problem

Hi ladies-

I don’t even know if this is something I should be sticking my nose into, but I have a tendency to want to avoid future social ills if at all possible, so I feel compelled to ask for advice on if/how to approach some friends who seem to be fucking up big time.  My husband and I have known the husband of this couple for years - like, 20.  He married his wife about 7 years ago and we really like her and consider her a friend, too.  They live far away so we only see them maybe once a year, and always when we visit them. They have only visited us once and they drove the 4 hours back home that night, frankly, I think because they are absolutely huge and can’t sleep anywhere but their own big-ass, reinforced bed.  The husband is pushing 500 lbs. and the wife is probably around 300.  She’s younger than 30 and has type 2 diabetes.

We recently visited them and ever since I’ve been feeling like I need to do some colonblow and eat fruit for awhile.  Every time we see them it is a total meat and carb-fest.  The only vegetable they know is ketchup. The wife makes meatballs the size of oranges.  They are eating themselves to death. Normally, I would be sad about this for them but think it is their problem and not really feel compelled to say anything.

The problem I have is that they feed their two little boys shit.  I don’t think these boys have ever eaten a piece of fruit or a vegetable in their lives.  I brought some bananas the last time we visited and the oldest boy ran around the kitchen screaming “yuck” as if I was eating a turd.  They eat pancakes with chocolate chips and syrup for breakfast and they drink soda all day long.  Lunch is a hamburger or some fried nuggety crap and dinner is the aforementioned meat-fest.  I have seen the youngest boy eat an entire chocolate easter bunny when he was 1 year old and I have seen the oldest boy drink half a bottle of ranch dressing.

Now the real problem is not just that these kids, who are currently skinny, are going to be ginormous like their parents, but that they have some serious behavioral problems.  Actually, I think it’s mostly the older one. I am no doctor, but this kid has got to have ADD.  He is 7 and has never slept in his own bed.  He is constantly whining and manipulating everyone around him, he can’t sit still for 2 seconds, and he drools all over the place because he can’t even keep his frigging mouth closed.  He eats sugar all day long with the 4 televisions blaring in their house (my god, they keep the TVs on all the time and turned up full volume - I don’t understand it).  I think a lot of his behavior is due to his environment and that he could probably be okay, or better, if they would take out the soda IV.

The poor younger boy seems like a sweet kid and doesn’t seem to have developed the attention problems his older brother has.  He does, however, have to deal with his brother’s tyranny over the house and his brother constantly hitting and kicking him.  When we were at their house, I actually kept having to tell his brother to stop hitting him because everyone was ignoring them.  Sadly, this made the younger boy seem to really like me and he wanted me to stay longer at their house.

So, the parents seem to not notice anything is wrong.  They just let their boys have their way and they don’t ever step in and actually act like parents.  Is there any way that I can somehow do or say something that could make any kind of difference in this situation?  I don’t want to come off as some granola-y bitch who thinks she’s perfect and should solve everyone’s problems, but MY GOD!  This situation is so obviously fucked up.

We are myspace friends, so maybe I could post some bulletins about possible connections between poor nutrition and attention deficit problems. Damn, I don’t want to come off as that preachy and I don’t honestly think they’d even notice something like that unless I came right out and talked to
them about it.

Thanks for the advice.  Keep being bitchin’ bitches.

-Not really as nosy as I sound, honest!

I believe you when you say that you aren't as nosy as you sound.  This is a potentially dangerous situation for these kids and most definitely a volatile one should you decide to become involved.  OBVIOUSLY, something is horribly wrong.  Your friends are committing slow suicide and they are taking their children down with them.

Let's be very clear and upfront about one thing right off the bat.  If you DO take any sort of action, this friendship is over.  They will not forgive you.  But it sounds like perhaps you're frustrated with the friendship anyway so maybe that's not such a big deal?  I won't even try and pretend to tell you that this something that I know the rules on.  You could approach them first but I'm kind of thinking that won't accomplish anything and would actually damage the chances of these kids getting help.

I don't know if there are anonymity guidelines when you make a report and if you are like... afraid they will come sit on you or something then I guess you could keep yourself anonymous if its an option.  But chances are that if YOU know its a problem, someone else does too and they are also struggling with whether or not to say something.  Just don't still be struggling when it becomes too late for those kids.  Unless they change their ways drastically, it may already be too late for the parents.

You need to contact someone, and fast!  The lives of those two children are more than worth losing a friendship.

You're not nosy. Let me get this out of the way. As human beings, we are conditioned to look out for and have sympathy for the young. It's natural.

Too bad your friends didn't get a dose of it.

I'm with PChef- call Child Welfare (and the rest of her answer). With their backlog, I don't know how much they can do, but it's worth a try. I mean, "overeating" might be lower on the list than "burning with hot crackpipe," but it's a start. This is honestly so mind-blowing that I don't really have any other suggestions, apart from you going and getting the younger child and taking him home with you. From the sound of it, they might not even notice.

Now I'm just pissed that these people actually managed to reproduce. Dammit. Keanu was SO right in Parenthood.

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.

Whine, Bitch and Complain

My boyfriend of 3 years, who I live with (and love very much) started graduate school in January.  Since he began he has done nothing but complain.  As soon as we wake up in the morning he begins huffing and griping about how much work he has to do.  Then he’s home again at 6pm, stomping around the house and complaining that the computer is slow.  I’ve tried everything to be supportive, helpful, sensitive--but nothing is working.  Should I just ignore him and do my own thing?

Thanks bitches!

Sara

Oh, I just hate that. Mine gets into a funk every once in a while where he does nothing but complain and whine and point out things negatively and it drives me bonkers. Because while I am not the eternal optimist, I do usually feel that if you don't like something, fucking CHANGE IT ALREADY.

First, point out to him what he's doing and what a BORE it is to listen to. Keep in mind that he might just not be cut out for the pressure, and mention that to him. If he keeps it up after that, counter EVERY complaint with a solution- for example "This computer is too slow!" should be met with "Then either get an upgrade, invest in a new one or learn to tolerate it." Remind him that wallowing in something does not EVER fix it.

That works around my house. Maybe it will for you, too. If it doesn't? Suggest a therapist- if he knows he's doing it and that it bothers you and he continues to do it, there might be some depression/anxiety/etc. issues he needs help with, especially if this just started with the schooling.

Honestly?  You need to just tell him to shut the hell up. The thing about graduate school is this... its OPTIONAL.  He CHOSE to pursue it.  And its costing someone (him?  you?  his parents?) a hell of a lot of money.  So if he doesn't want to do it, he needs to get out now and stop wasting time and money.  But if its something he really wants then he needs a kick in the head.  Because unless he changes his attitude about the whole mess, he's wasting a LOT of opportunites and perhaps someone's space in the class who wants to be there a little mores than he does.

So I say speak up.  Tell him he's being a bitch about a situation that he has complete control over.  He needs to shut up and work or drop out.  Its his choice but you aren't going to listen to his shit any longer.

On baby-cookin' leave. Read up on all her gestational goings-on here.