We Three Bitches

How Do You Tell an Addict Is Lying? Their Lips Are Moving.

I got some bad news yesterday.
My best and just about only close friend has a major drug problem.
I am in recovery so to hear this is heart wrenching.
Every part of my mind is saying pick up and run while you still can.

But...

Then I have this tiny voice saying she called you because is trying to recover and needs a shoulder to lean on. I know her recovery will have to be her own. I also know it can be one of the hardest times in a persons life the suicide rate among recovering people is extremely high. 

I do not want to go much in to my past I am not proud of those days. I will say I lost each and every friend I had. People who I had known from 2 yrs old on. (Yes I am WORKING on rebuilding those relationships) No I never stole from them or hurt them… I just changed.

So a huge part of me wants to be there for her. I know the lonely pain she is feeling I know how it feels to give up something you think you NEED to survive.

But this friend this first and only friend sense rehab…
She had medical problems,
She would call me crying for hours on end because the Drs were accusing her of doing drugs.
She will tell me how unfair she was treated and that no one would help her because the Drs said she must be on m*e*t*h.
I talked with her about her suicidal thoughts and told her how normal they were when no one believe the truth…
I would feel horrible for her and cry with her and felt that scared lonely pain that she was feeling.

Except she was on drugs and all those hours of lending a shoulder to cry on were lies. I am sure to herself as much as to me. But none the less lies.

With her “sickness” she would be stuck in bed for days unable to move. I would go to her house on those days and bring her lunch make sure her CHILDREN were fed and properly taken care of help her HUSBAND run errands. I did what I thought any friend would do for a VERY SICK person.

Like I said above I have been one with the drug I know its effects and I now see she had just crashed. That’s all it was, a crash.

Like I said above she has children.

My child was my final and last realization that I could not have anything like that in my life. Even though I had been clean for close to a year before getting pregnant. Before her there was still that little voice in my head saying you know you miss it.

Had I known she was on drugs I would have called the cops. Call me a bad friend but crack is not like pot where you get the munchies… No you forget hours at a time and what is going on around you. (I know one drug is not better then another)  This friend has 4 children her youngest is 4 and loves to twirl. This in its self is what most makes me want to slap her.

I know somewhere in all of this is a lesson. Right now I can not get my mind around the fact that someone I cared for so much spent so many hours with, was on drugs and I did not see it. I use to make and sell the shit but could not see she was high??

I do not know what to do. I am bitter at the things I did for her because she was on drugs. But hopeful that she is really seeing what is important. I know deep down there is a wonderful woman just awaiting to grow more. But I do not know if I am strong enough myself to be the one to help with that growth.

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. I tried my brother who simply said hon you lied too – drug addicts are not picky liars. They simply lie to themselves and all those around. My mother said her recovery is her own. Then went on about m*e*t*h being an epidemic these days. D said I would no longer be her friend you trusted her and she let you down.

I am going back and forth.

Sometimes there are situations that call for what can loosely be called "tough love."  I prefer to call it "fuck all the bullshit, it's time to throw down."  Recovery is hard work, I've been there too.  But eventually you have to make a very black or white decision.  Are you going to be an addict or not?  Yes or no.  You chose no and I applaud you for that, it wasn't easy, I know.

She hasn't made that decision yet.  And you have tried to be there for her as a friend and out of concern for her children but you cannot risk your own sobriety at her expense.  You've done what you can and it's time for this to not be your fight.  Her husband knows what the deal is, surely.  And if for some crazy reason he's blind to it then you and he need to have a very open and honest conversation.  Because his wife needs help.

She needs a rehab program and he's going to have to take on some extra responsibilities while she is getting clean.  But that's where your role in this needs to end.  At least until she is in rehab.  If he needs some help with the kids while she is away and you think you are strong enough on your own to give that assistance, that's your call.  But I say if she isn't willing to go into rehab then you need to wash your hands of the whole thing.  A clean break.

I know you probably thing you will be just leaving her children hung out to dry but they DO have a father.  So give the ultimatum.  No secrets from anyone.  You tell her you know she needs help and that you want to see her get it but if she isn't willing to get clean then you can't be in her life anymore.  You've worked too hard on your own sobriety to risk it.  Trust me.

You are not the primary person responsible for her, her husband is. Tell yourself that OVER AND OVER. If he doesn't know what's going on, then tell him, but beyond that, it is not your responsibility to care for her children or run her errands. Now, if the children are in danger, it most certainly is your responsibility to call the proper authorities and report the situation, whether you like it or not. Kids don't deserve some fucked-up, drug-infested mess of a mother neglecting them while their father turns a blind eye.

Now, mostly I am sensing how pissed you are that she lied to you, too. But what's she going to say? "Hey, can you come watch the kids because I have a 3:30 with my dealer that I just can't cancel?" or "Can you run little Johnny to soccer practice tonight? I have a big pile of blow here and really need to do an Al Pacino impression." Not likely. Addicts don't work like that. It's fair that you're angry, but your brother was right- addicts lie, and I'm sure you did, too. It's just part of it, and it wasn't meant as a slight against you. Let that part go. You're going to need to if she gets better if you want her in your life later.

Your main focus should be your own recovery. If you're not far enough along with it to guarantee your own safety in dealing with her, then it's time to be selfish and cut her loose. Protect yourself first and her later, honey. If that means walking away, then so be it. Just make sure she knows that you're still there for her if she does the work to get better herself. Because SHE is the only one that can do it- NOT YOU.

Still on bitch-leave...

Reader Bitch-Time: Sushi for One

Another Reader Participation Question (there might be a point to this someday, so make an effort, dammit!)- leave your bitchy responses in the comments, please. We got a real kick out of the last one and what you guys did with it, so let it rip!

3 b’s:

I met my husband when we were both young and just trying to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives career-wise. He had finished college already, but I, being four years younger, had not.  He found a job working in the activist world, and I finished college.  During this time, we lived together in a town where he found his dream job.  Even though he worked a lot of hours early on in this job (around 70), I was going to school, so while we fought about the hours during particularly bad times, I was also busy and occupied much of the time.  It took me a long time to get comfortable, meet friends to occupy and bring more fun into my life, and finally, after five years I found myself basically happy. I graduated school and we married two years ago.  After I graduated, I finally found a good and fulfilling job myself.

Six months later he asked me, then begged me, demanded and finally wore me down about accepting a job transfer which meant moving, forgoing a great house we had put an offer on, as well as leaving my great job.  I fought the move, but finally gave in because after two months of fighting about it I was miserable.  I did ask, however, that if we move he not jump full force into his job and to please be there to help me get used to this adjustment.

So here I find myself, alone more than with him and with a husband who works 70 hours a week.  He is now traveling a lot, and I am alone, in a new city, without a job that I love, without friends to distract and fill my life with companionship.

We fight all the time, he works late a lot, is gone most time time, and takes phone calls in the middle of our ‘date night.’  He tends to apologize a ton, but I am finding myself thinking that this relationship is headed toward divorce.

I love him, but don't think that sushi for one most nights make a marriage.

Advice?

Parasites.

Hello Ladies,
I’ve been reading your column for some time and I am a fan.
Here’s my dilemma...after 25 years of a semi-happy/healthy marriage, my youngest of 3 kids is graduating from high school in may and flying the nest to go off to college. We will then have 2 in college at the same time. Our oldest one graduated a few years ago. We are thrilled they will all be college graduates.

The problem comes in when it comes to money. I feel it’s more than fair for my husband and myself to pay 1/2 of the tuition for a 4 year degree for each child. And they can take out loans for the other 2 years. I mean, if it was one child we were putting thru, it would be do-able. 3 complete college educations in this day and age would be hurting my husbands and my future for a life too. We’ve always put our kids first and made sure they were well taken care of. But I just don’t see any reason why they can’t be responsible for  1/2 of their education. I think it would help them appreciate it a little more than if it was just handed to them. I’d like to have a little time and money to enjoy part of my life too. I’ve given up enough and I’ve got to draw the line somewhere. And I feel kind of guilty that we can’t pay for all of it. But we need to be able to pay our house payment, and have time to take little trips and renew what we once had and have a little $$ to spend on ourselves for a change.

Sometimes they are like little sponges sucking us dry and will continue to until I put my foot down. They will not be very happy with me, but then, I am the mother, not the friend.

Just kind of wanted some feedback from you ladies. Do you think what I put out there is appropriate? How do I not feel so guilty?

Thanks,
Sweety

As you well know, I have no children.  So I haven't even begun to think about a college education for the fuckers as I stand firm that until they feel the need to stay put up in my ute for more than a few months we aren't ready to talk about college.  So instead, I will tell you what my parents did for me.

I'm kind of torn reading your question.  And that's probably because I don't have children but want them so badly.  And I'm kind of waffling on the level of bitchiness I want to display.  Part of me wants to scream "Hell yes homegirl needs a little tropical R&R every once in a while and maybe some pretty shoes too." 

But at the same time I DO think that part of your job as a parent is to take into account your children's college education and prepare for it.  My parents made the same deal with both me and my sister and that was they would pay for our college as long as we took it seriously and did well but if we screwed it up, we were on our own.  Naturally?  I screwed it up and so I did end up working three jobs (plus one of questionable legality) to pay for the last three years of my education. But I knew the drill from day 1 and I ALSO knew that student loans were out of the question.  If I thought I was going to have to take out a loan then my parents were going to be the ones to loan me the money.

So yeah, I do kind of think you're being selfish.  And I've always felt that once you become a parent, you no longer get to put yourself first.  It's one thing to just not be able to afford it but I think encouraging your children to take out loans for half of their college education is kind of irresponsible, especially with the rash of predatory student loan companies popping up all over the place.  By presenting that option to them first you are inadvertently encouraging them to take on a huge financial burden at a very delicate time in their lives.  Something that could ruin their long-term financial future.  Your children may end up being denied financing for a car or even a house if they have trouble paying off their student loans.  You know... because you needed a little "YOU" time.

But sometimes paying their tuition simply isn't feasible.  And that's fine.  If you aren't in the position to pay for it then obviously, you just can't.  Period.  So maybe instead of loans you could help them look into grants or together you could make a plan for the first two years of school while they aren't worrying about paying tuition to help them qualify for scholarships for their second two years.  Or perhaps they should just look into a two-year institution.

I don't know. Like I said, I'm kind of torn.  I don't think your priorities are totally in order on this one but I also don't think that I have enough of a perspective on the situation to give you much of an educated answer.  But I do stand firm that telling them to plan on taking out student loans for the second half of their college education is a REALLY bad idea.  At least be very involved with them as they look for better options.  There are hundreds of thousands of grants and scholarships available.  Please explore those options and only take student loans into consideration as a very last resort.

First, what you're doing is FINE... it seems lately that people think that a college education is an entitlement from their parents no matter how much effort they themselves have applied, just like food, shelter, xBox 360s, cute dresses from Justice... oh, sorry. And I'm not just directing that at my own child, either, especially when I take into account my sorry sister who complains about having to *gasp* WORK while she goes to school for "spending money." Translation: liquor money. Or my other sister who has a prepaid plan but wants to go out of state at 6 times the cost "because she just likes it better."

Anyway, I got told that if I didn't get a scholarship, I wouldn't be going. Don't feel guilty at all- paying half is better than nothing. Because the first time you put some restrictions on them, they're all "but I'm an ADULT," right? Let them find out about ADULT, and you and your husband take a fabulous vacation and send them postcards saying "I'm spending your college money!" Make sure you're holding a drink in the photo. But only do this if they're really showing ass about the whole thing- if they take it in stride and get jobs or financial aid without a complaint, leave out the postcard part.

Trust me, one day they'll grow up and understand. At their age now, they understand themselves and what they want and very little else, and it's just their age.  We were all assholes at 19.

On the other hand, I feel like an asshole now after reading PChef's answer. Let me add an addendum: If ANY of your kids work extremely hard at school and take it seriously and care deeply about their futures and don't act like they're at College Girls Gone Wild auditions on the weekends, FIND A WAY TO PAY, even if it's just for one of them. Then they can get good jobs later and send YOU on vacation later, not to mention that whole private-room-in-the-nursing-home aspect. If they're kind of wishy-washy on the whole thing or just basically slackers, then they don't deserve it. But a kid who's worked hard their whole life deserves to keep going with some kind of reward in my mind, all bitchiness aside. Consider it an investment.

Still on bitch-leave...

The Feminine Mistake

Hi bitches-

Okay, I really need some advice because I have no idea what to do.  I have a nice job that is pretty easy for the most part (sometimes stressful, but only a few times a year when I get audited).  I get to go in and leave when I want and I can take time off when I need to.  I make fairly good money and have really good benefits.  My dilemma is that my husband has been offered a professorship at a university in another state.  I am currently pregnant and kinda’ like the idea of being able to stay home with this baby as I was not able to stay home with my daughter.  I was able to take her to work, however, and I know I will be able to do the same with this baby if I keep my current position.  I just can’t decide at this point whether or not I can give up my job and house and life in my current town, to go follow my husband to a small town in Arkansas (you heard me).

His new job in only 5 hours from here and we’ve discussed him moving there and coming back every other weekend and then spending holidays and summers here.

The problem with this is that I will essentially be a single mom for most of the year.  Plus, does it seem weird to y’all for a married couple to live 5 hours apart?

I just really am confused about this.  Would you give up financial independence at a really good job where you have tons of autonomy and good job security in order to be a stay-at-home mom?  Another component of this is that our financial situation will temporarily worsen if I quit my job (until his income increases with tenure).  Professors actually don’t make much money, so my lifestyle will change if I quit my job.  I currently don’t have to worry about money too much.  I make enough to support a middle-class lifestyle, which is enough for me to be happy.

I know I could get another job in Arkansas , however, I really don’t want to work in another office.  I tend to hate office politics and the kind of people my type of job attracts.

And to top all of this off, this new book “the Feminine Mistake” has come out saying career women who quit their jobs end up miserable and dependent on their husbands who may or may not leave them at some point in the future.  This has increased my anxiety quite bit.

What would you do?
Don’t want to make the Feminine Mistake 

Has your husband considered giving up HIS offer for YOU? I am just LOVING how it seems like this is all being put on your shoulders- I just wanted to check and see if he is in any way vision-impaired, because from what you've told me, he sounds blind as a fucking bat. If you have everything going for you that you say, it's also an option for him to TURN DOWN the offer, is it not? I personally would put my foot down and stay right where I am, but that's just me.

The five hour thing? I wouldn't recommend it if you want to stay married. It works sometimes, but... somehow I think another question would be coming to us eventually.

As for working instead of staying home, I never once considered staying home (money-wise, I couldn't), and I don't regret it. If this makes me less of a mother, then fuck it. I am who I am. In all honesty, I think if your heart wants to be out and doing your thing at the same time, then you should. Your child (especially if a girl) will see a strong woman who keeps it all going- not a resentful one about how her life has turned out and what all she gave up. That's what it's all been about for women- CHOICE. And you have one. USE IT.

Oh hell.  If there is one thing I'm learning from questions today, it's this... I have no idea how I feel about some kind of big issues.  I have always planned on staying home once Patrick and I have children, but I know that it isn't for everyone.  So you ask if I would give up financial independence and a good job with security and autonomy to be a stay at home mom... yes.  I would.  In a heartbeat.  Because that's what I want.  I'm not you.

But if there is one thing I DO know it's that uprooting your entire life is SCARY AS HELL.  Trust me, I'm in the middle of it right now.  Patrick and I have both started new jobs, we've moved away from Augusta and nothing is the same anymore.  But it's a decision we made together.  Because we knew that it was the best thing for both of us and our future.  Allow me to repeat that... we made this decision TOGETHER.  And reading your question I'm having a hard time seeing where the teamwork was when this job offer for your husband came up.

From the sounds of it, him not taking the professorship and the two of you staying right where you are wasn't ever an option.  Or was it?  It sounds like you have a good thing going where you are.  Great childcare arrangement, stable job with hard-to-find flexibility and you actually LIKE it.  Those are all tough things to give up.  But at the same time, the thought of having a long-distance marriage needs to just work itself out of your head right now.  You are going to be so busy taking care of a new baby AND your daughter.  I fear that if you add a long distance marriage in that mix you will work yourself into a routine that no longer allows time for your marriage.

It kind of sounds to me like you've already made up your mind and you are looking for permission to be upset about your husband wanting to uproot you all and move to Arkansas.  And I say get mad!  But not about moving.  What's the real issue here?  Is it that he hasn't considered not taking the professorship or that he's asking you to stay home and you don't want to?  Or are you just afraid that you'll resent him because the latest feminist tome says you will?  Don't let a book tell you how you feel.  I hate those books because they try and make you feel bad about yourself as a woman if you don't live up to whatever their latest opinion of a strong woman is.

Do you know what I think a strong woman is?  I think a strong woman is one who does what makes her happy.  I think a strong woman is one who manages to take the best interest of everyone in her family, INCLUDING HERSELF, in mind when making difficult decisions.  I think a strong woman is one who doesn't let a book tell her how she should feel.  Instead she cuts her own path.  And along with her family, as a team, she comes up with a way to make it all work.  Maybe moving is the right thing, maybe it's time for a new adventure.  But maybe not.  Just make certain you are all taking all your options into consideration.  You know... except for that long distance marriage one.  That sucks.

Still on bitch-leave...

Something to Do While We Get All Prepared

Yes, we said we were returning and then took our sweet-ass time doing it. It was cruel and shameless teasing for the readers, and we totally admit our suckitude on the matter. However, please let me bombard you with excuses WHY, so that maybe you can find it in your hearts to forgive us and then have a little fun with us.

Let's see... Zube Girl has that whole "new baby and full-time job thing" going on, PaintingChef just went through a multi-state move, even managed to become one of the 13 people nationally who actually managed to sell a house in this market, and me- well, I had the worst case of writer's block ever. Truthfully, had I tried to answer, I would have been *gasp* NICE. Should I also mention the billing fiasco with TypePad that locked us out? (I would try to blame this on TypePad to gain extra sympathy, but somehow ignoring expiration dates on credit cards and then wondering why the hell things don't work and stubbornly refusing to believe that you did anything wrong even when they tell you you did cannot be blamed on TypePad. I won't mention any names specifically, however. You can guess.)

HOWEVER, we are INDEED returning. There are still some little duckies who are stubbornly refusing to get their asses in a row, though, but our OVERWHELMING guilt about the lack of bitchiness in the atmosphere led me to come up with this little game. YOU GUYS get to bitch!!! YES!!! It's the OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME!!

Since we have some questions that are no doubt past their expiration date and the questioners have had to regrettably figure shit out on their own already, we figured we'd let you have a little fun here. Use the comments to post YOUR OWN BITCHY ANSWER. You very own. All yours.

And yes, I purposely picked long ones with LOTS of background information. And ones that are a little tough. (Hah- now you too can see that bitchiness takes work!) We'll do a few of these while we're getting warmed back up, so get your bitchy little keyboards ready.

Love,
Bonanza

••••••••••

Bitches,

You are young and probably haven’t reached the stage where your parents need you. Start thinking about what you will do....and then tell me.

My mother has a neurological disorder that gets worse over time. Knowing this, my sisters and I talked about moving to the same town. One sister couldn’t make the move because of her husband’s job, so that left 2 of us with my parents (who moved after we did). We figured it would be better to live close when things go downhill rather than have to make trips on the weekends while juggling jobs and kids. In theory, this made sense.

But now we are at their disposal and they are really clueless about how they are leaning on us much more than they need to. It is wearing us out. We have talked openly about this with them. We sat down with a family therapist one time to try to draw boundaries. They just don’t get it.

My mother can do very little for herself now, and my dad is (understandably) overwhelmed. He thinks nothing of calling us (often on short notice) to “babysit” for mom.  I have made it clear that I am available for about 3 hours every week to help out. My kids are still young and I have a full-time job. My other sister also makes herself available. They also have nurses and a maid. Still, they continue to call on us too much.

Background (Does that word just make you cringe?): My parents are very, very generous. They have given each of us more than $30,000 over the years, saying that we will get no inheritance when they die because they believe in giving it away now, when we really need it. They took all of us (husbands and kids, too) on an Alaskan cruise. They had a beach house and we had free use of it for years (although free is never free, and we helped with upkeep of the house). They regularly treat to dinner, etc.
They always want to give more, but in recent years we have refused it. Now we don’t even let them buy dinner at the local take-out.

We have never bothered them with babysitting their grandkids. We do go over for regular visits with them, but we feel that they already raised their children and shouldn’t have to raise ours. So, even before mom’s disease took over and she and dad were both fine, we did not impose.

We have spent many years helping them, cleaning their house (for which we were paid, but less than they would have to pay someone else to do it) and being there for the numerous surgeries they have both had. Dad went through cancer surgery and radiation treatments as well as open heart. Mom’s health problems are endless. They are both in their 70s.

Now dad has another possible surgery coming up. When he is out of commission we have 2 people to take care of. We have done this many times and it’s no easy feat. They do hire help, but it doesn’t cover
everything. They do not want to move to a nursing home yet. They do not want live-in help. Why should they? They have family in town to help them! And even if they did move, it would fall on us to make that
happen and neither one of us has the time right now.

We look down the road and it just gets worse from here. If we had not moved to the same town, they may have already gone into assisted living.  We wanted to pull together and help out, but looking back it seems like a case of “no good deed”. I have an internal war about it that I can not make peace with. “I would do anything for them!” “This is too much!” “They deserve our help.” “They are clueless about how much they are asking.” “There are people who do so much more.” “I feel very sorry for those people.” “When they die, I’ll regret not doing more.” “I might die before they do, at this rate.”

How do I do all I can for them but not end up resenting the hell out of both of them and feeling nothing but relief when they die?

Signed,
Guilt Sucks